


Regarding You

by yuya_falk



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, Multi, Slow To Update, Top Bertolt Hoover, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2019-07-03 03:07:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15810051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuya_falk/pseuds/yuya_falk
Summary: You are a cadet part of the 104th cadet corps who, like Eren, Mikasa, and Armin, have lost everything to the Colossal and Armored Titan. Just like those three, you joined the military, heart set on joining the Scouting Legion in hopes to take down the Colossal Titan. With that goal to keep you going, you make it through the cadet corps, but while there you take notice to a rather tall soldier... or rather he takes notice of you first. The two of you make a promise, the both of you determined to hold on to that promise in this beautiful yet cruel world. From there, everything is history and you are there to witness it all. Do you choose to love this man or not? He certainly seems to care a whole lot about you. Despite all the horrible things that are yet to come, will you always come back to him?cliche summary lmao





	1. Regarding You

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing of Shingeki no Kyojin, everything related belongs to Isayama.
> 
> Also, this is my first fanfic (and first x reader) for the fandom, as well as on this site, and I honestly hope this is okay... Enjoy!

_"Hey..."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Can you promise me something?"_

_At this he faltered, the young German soldier looked down, shocked at the woman laying at his side whose (E/C) eyes kept their gaze at the starry night sky. His brows furrowed as he thought about his response, can he? The young soldier jumped a bit noticing the woman was looking at him now, her (E/S) eyes sparkling with such adoration and another emotion he cannot place._

_"U-Uh, yea sure," he replied with a nervous smile. Truthfully, he can't promise himself anything either. But this woman, to him, she was... something. He couldn’t quite place what she was to him, a friend, a lover? No, no, what is he saying? He knew what he felt for her but he knew he shouldn't feel this way about any of his comrades._

_She smiled at him, then turned her head, looking back up at the sky she sighed, "Can you promise me, that after everything we go through, no matter how horrible, you will always come back to me?" She put her hand up in the air in front of her face staring at her hand contrast with the night sky, waiting for his response._

_"What... what do you mean?" He asked, laughing half-heartedly but sighed looking at her expression shift ever so slightly in disappointment, borderline sadness, "Of course I will." At this he shifted, one arm holding himself up and his other hand entwined his fingers with her hand that was up towards the sky, pulling the woman suddenly out of her little world._

_"You will?" She asked, not complaining as he leaned over her, placing both his hands on both sides of her head, their hands still twined together._

_"Yes," he smiled sadly down her. He meant it, he truly did, he would follow her anywhere she went to ensure she was safe, ensure she was warm and happy. He adored her smile, he adored her laugh, he adored her grit and determination and admired her personality. True, Annie was attractive, has a wonderful personality and the two of them have a special bond, but nothing like he felt with this woman._

_Could this be similar to what Reiner feels for Krista? Possibly. But all this soldier knew was that he wanted to always protect her, always ensure her safety and that her smile will stay on her lips._

_"Then you promise me one thing too," he spoke softly, leaning down to place his forehead against her own, his intense heat radiating from his skin into her body, "promise me... that you won't die," that last part came out more as a whisper, "promise me that you'll always fight. Do this for me, and I will always come back to you." She smiled at him and he returned it, not the sad or apologetic one he always gives, but a real, genuine smile. She reached the hand up that he wasn't holding, and stroked his cheek tenderly. He leaned down slowly, almost cautiously, to press his lips to hers, but she took the initiative and just as they were about to meet…_

 

Bertolt had awoken with a start, his eyes snapping open, his mouth open slightly in a gasp, only to see Jean, Connie, Eren, Armin and Reiner looking down at him with incredulous grins upon their faces.

"I think it'll be sunny today," Connie laughed haughtily, Eren and Jean also laughed whereas Reiner still kept his usual smirk as he looked down at his friend.

"Bertolt's sleeping positions are a work of art," Armin chuckled softly under his breath before the boys left him to Reiner.

"Was I moving in my sleep?" Bertolt inquired as he sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

The large German soldier could only laugh in response before placing a hand on the tall, lanky boy, "More so than usual I'm afraid," he finally confessed, "you even managed to kick me too."

"Oh! I'm sorry!" Bertolt quickly apologized reaching to inspect his friend's face, "Does it still hurt? I'm sorry..."

"Don't worry about it, it's not the first time," Reiner smiled at him brushing his friend's hand from his face before continuing, "anyway it’s time to get ready. Let's go."

"Strange..." Bertolt thought to himself as he changed, "it wasn't a nightmare."

 

With that, the cadets of the 104th squad got ready for another day of grueling-but-worth-the-effort training. In no time at all, the cadets stood by each other in their usual formation, Bertolt quick to get to his spot as usual next to Reiner, but next to him stood a woman. She had (H/C) hair, (E/S)(E/C) eyes, (S/C) skin with a little flush in her soft cheeks. The tall German couldn't take his eyes off this woman beside him, has she always been there? His gaze traveled from her determined face to something protruding from her shirt... to which Bertolt mentally slapped himself. This woman was indeed… something, Bertolt couldn’t find the words to describe her but he knew for certain that she was someone _very_ curvy... and later he discovered during training, someone _very_ strong.

_“She’s beautiful._

_Why hadn't I noticed her before?”_

"Oi, Bertolt," Reiner nudged Bertolt from his trance, suddenly snapping back into reality holding his bread with one hand, he looked tentatively at his two friends: Annie and Reiner.

"You've done nothing but stare at her all day," Annie calmly stated, looking at Bertolt with an unamused expression.

"Yea... I mean I know she has fantastic tits but Bertolt, you don't have to stare at them all day," Reiner grinned at his comrade.

“It’s--! It’s not like that!” Bertolt quickly tried to defend himself, his face flushing a deep red resulting in Reiner to laugh loudly and Annie to stare at them indifferently.

Bertolt tried to persuade his friends that he was, in fact, _not_ staring at her breasts, Reiner only laughed and made inappropriate jokes, and Annie sat quietly with an ever so slight smile and chuckled under her breath with the two boys.

“Then Baldy comes up behind us and--... Hey (Y/N) isn’t listening!” Sasha exclaimed, stuffing her face with bread.

“Oi! (Y/N)!” Connie loudly shouted at the woman staring off into space.

“Hey, hey, don’t shout at her like that,” Marco raised his hands up to calm Connie, then turned his gaze to you, who was absentmindedly eating your food and occasionally look off into the distance. Jean noticed this. Turning his head, he followed your gaze to Bertolt, who was no longer staring at you but was now preoccupied with Reiner.

“He has been staring at me all day, so I’m going to stare at him to see if he will notice,” You mumbled under your breath before taking another spoonful of the soup-water that you all ate.

“Oh, you mean Bertolt?” Marco inquired with a sweet smile upon his lips. You tensed, not expecting your friends to hear you. Slowly you turned to face them all, Sasha had a wide eyed expression, though that was normal for her yet her lips had a smirk upon them, as did Connie and Jean's, save for Marco who is always smiling.

“Yea! I noticed too!” Connie shouted loudly, as he always does, but since Connie is always loud, everyone heard him, “In fact we all saw Bertolt staring at (Y/N)! Right, Sasha? Jean?”

“Yea! His cheeks were red and everything!” Sasha, who was just as loud as Connie exclaimed excitedly, wrapping her arm around your shoulders. Jean just smirked and before he could say anything else you shot him a quick look.

“Connie! Sasha!” You sighed exasperatedly, trying to gently nudge Sasha off yourself. Looking around, you saw the other cadets whispering and laughing amongst themselves, and finally your (E/C) gaze met with intense, yet beautiful emerald eyes. At this you were shocked, his facial expression was that of utmost embarrassment, his cheeks were flushed, his mouth slightly agape, his brows furrowed. You sighed, finally nudging Sasha off of you and stood up.

Upon standing, the room got quiet.

“Oi! This isn't a show of entertainment! Mind your own!” You hissed at the rest of the cadets who promptly obeyed. Once the room quieted down and everyone resumed their conversations, you huffed and made your way towards Bertolt, Reiner, and Annie. Standing beside Bertolt, gently you placed a hand on his shoulder causing him to tense and look at you even more shocked. Smiling apologetically at him, you addressed the rest of his friends with, “Hi! I'm so sorry about that, we all know Connie and Sasha can be a bit much,” to which this comment earned a very loud “hey!” from both cadets causing you to giggle under your breath and continue, “but they mean well. Anyway, my name is (F/N)(L/N) and it's nice to meet you... officially, that is.” Finishing this sentence you held out your hand for either one of them to shake.

Reiner was the first to shake your hand. With a firm grip he shook your hand and you quickly reciprocated, noticing this the muscular German soldier grinned at you saying, “It's great to finally meet you, I'm sure you know who we are! Bertolt here would always look at you, not sure if you noticed.”

“Reiner!” Bertolt looked at his friend, an expression of shock upon his face. Reiner only laughed and clapped his hand on his friend's back.

You looked down at Annie with a soft smile on your lips and asked, “May I sit beside you?” Upon hearing this, Annie seemed taken aback, as though she wasn't expecting someone to approach her out of kindness. Annie only stared blankly at you before moving over to the side so that you could sit right across from Bertolt. Of which he could only blush and occasionally look away. Quickly you were engaged with the conversation Reiner started, making you laugh and smile gently. Occasionally you would glance at Bertolt and smile, but the shy, young German boy could only blush and sheepishly return the smile. He didn't talk the rest of the night, afraid he would stutter and embarrass himself, but he was grateful to be in your presence.

 

Every night since then, you would sit with Annie, Reiner, and Bertolt, talking, laughing, and eating with them, and eventually you began to make jokes of your own, slowly beginning to open up. Gradually, Annie began to lose that near angry expression she always had and began to smile and laugh more, as though your presence calmed the seemingly tense soldiers. Reiner liked having you around, you seemed to ease Bertolt and keep him calm whenever you were around. As for Bertolt, he found himself coming to terms with his feelings throughout the months that past, despite how painful it was for him, but like Reiner and Annie, he cherished these moments he had with you.

Every day during training, you still hung around with Sasha, Connie, Jean, and Marco, but mostly you would be with Thomas and Mina. Every time you would hang around them, they always teased you about the tall, shy, mild-mannered Bertolt. Asking you if you two were dating or not, but you only brushed the questions off, saying that you wouldn't date anyone in the military, but deep down, you truly cared for each and every one of your friends, and Bertolt, well, you couldn't deny your feelings, you had come to love this shy, adorable young man. During down time and afterhours, Mina always clung to you, seemingly relying on you for support but you were more than happy to help.

“(Y/N)!” Mina called to you one night as all the girls were together in their cabin, you were sitting with Annie in your beds that were beside each other wearing your pajamas. One knee was pressed in-between your breasts as you placed your chin upon your knee, casually talking with Annie about training and past experiences. Upon hearing Mina call you, your head perked up looking at the pig-tailed woman with a smile.

“Yes?” you inquired, cocking your head to the side. Mina had a wide smile on her face, in which your smile faltered knowing full well what that particular smile meant. Your head snapped up quickly noticing Ymir, Sasha, Krista, Hannah, and surprisingly Mikasa were surrounding you and Annie.

“Is it true?” Hannah gushed with a big smile upon her face.

“Is… Is what true?” You asked, almost worried.

“Is it true that you're dating Bertolt?!” Hannah continued to gush causing the rest of the girls to squeal, all except Mikasa, Annie, Ymir, and you.

“What--?! Where-? Who-?!” You stammered over your words, a bright blush filling your cheeks.

“Ohhh?” Ymir smirked, leaning against the wooden bunk, crossing her arms over her chest, looking down at you, “She's not even denying it.” Upon hearing this, your ears began to burn as you stared at Ymir baffled. Taking your silence as a response, the rest of girls began to crowd you asking questions like:

“What's it like?”

“Do you have to tiptoe to kiss him?”

“Is he shy?”.

Then one question from Sasha shocked everyone, “Have you _actually_ kissed him?”

The room was rendered to silence, leaving you red-faced, an embarrassed grimace plastered on your face. The girls, including Mikasa and Annie, were shocked at Sasha before they all slowly turned their faces to stare at you.

“U-U-Uhm… I… I have to get fresh air,” you quickly stood to your full height, before pushing Ymir out of the way and ran outside.

“Nice going Sasha,” Annie chided, clicking her tongue in a disapproving manner, crossing her arms.

“Whaaaat?” Sasha complained looking around at everyone.

“That question was a bit…” Krista started but Ymir covered her mouth quickly saying, “Now, now my lovely Krista! No need to repeat such inappropriate things. Off to bed we go!” With that the two went to their respective bunks, as did everyone else, besides Mina who sat where you did.

“Annie… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to make that take a turn for the worse…” Mina meekly apologized, Annie in turn only huffed before flicking Mina's forehead.

“Apologize to (Y/N), not to me,” with that Annie got underneath her covers in the bed next to yours, leaving Mina sitting on your bed, patiently waiting for you to come back.

 

Outside with you, you ran to a place you thought was secret.

Sitting on a tree’s branch, one leg dangled on the side, your knee held close to you so your cheek would rest on it as you overlooked a lake with the moon casting a reflection upon it causing it to shimmer with such beauty. Seeing this almost made you forget what the reality of the world is, almost made you forget the true reason you joined the military, almost made you forget that this world was cruel, that in this world only the strong survived, and the weak perished. You could've stayed there all night if you wanted to but you knew you couldn't, perhaps a few more minutes.

_A twig snapped._

You quickly turned your gaze to where you heard it but saw nothing, brushing it off you relaxed and stared at the lake before suddenly something hit and grabbed your leg, causing you to lose her balance and tumble onto something. Or rather _someone_.

You yelped as you fell and began apologizing profusely to whomever it was that groaned underneath you, “I am _so_ sorry! I didn't see you! I thought I was alone up here and-...” you froze upon noticing whose body it was that you were trying to get off of. The body was slim, with long legs, that only wore loose pants yet there was an intense heat that seemed to radiate off of this person.

“It's-... it's okay, I didn't think anyone was-...” then he stopped himself from speaking. Upon opening his eyes he was face-to-face with strong thighs and, he dared to look up, a round butt. He hadn't realized it but he grabbed whoever's leg it was that was dangling as he fell, causing them to fall in a rather compromising position.

“Bert-... Bertolt?” the woman above him asked as she tried to move to look at him, but his right arm was still wrapped around her calf. Snapping out of his shock, he quickly let go of her leg and scrambled back and away from her.

“(Y-Y-Y/N)?!” he stuttered, his face heating up again as he looked at you standing up to dust yourself off. Bertolt sat before you as he stared at you, almost in awe, the moonlight caused an almost eerie glow to your (S/C) skin, your curves almost accentuated with the cast of the moonlight about your body. Once you finished dusting yourself off and straightening your pajamas, you looked down at him and let out a huff of a laugh before holding a hand out to him.

“Come here,” you smiled apologetically at him, one hand was placed on your knee as you bent down reaching your hand towards him. Blinking out of his trance, he looked at your hand and sheepishly gripped onto it before you began to pull him to his feet, he was surprised at your strength. He finally managed to stand up in front of you adjusting his pajama shirt and looked down at you, before blushing once again.

Letting go of your hands, he rubbed the back of his head awkwardly looking away from you then towards the lake then back at you before gesturing to your pajamas, “Not going to bed?” he asked.

“Oh! The girls uhm… well, it got rowdy in there and I had to get out,” you confessed turning to look out to the lake.

“Yeah, same here with the guys,” he replied before following your gaze out to the scene before them. “You know about this place too?” he asked looking down at you, seeing your calm expression, it made him smile and relax.

“Yeah… I kind of stumbled upon this place one night when I couldn't sleep,” you replied, your gaze not moving from the lake. Staring at you, Bertolt noticed just as the lake reflected the moonlight, it reflected in your eyes making them shine and come to life. Your soft lips had a peaceful smile on them, “It’s beautiful isn't it?” you asked him, before he muttered to himself, “Yes, it is.” You turned to look at him suddenly, and he quickly turned his gaze to the lake. Your heart fluttered a bit before you nudged him with your elbow, “I saw that,” you smirked up at him before looking back at the lake.

Bertolt looked down at you again before he reached uncertainly to run his fingers through your hair, he always thought it looked so soft. Before he could, you turned to look at him with a smile and his hand immediately dropped before you could notice.

They stood in silence looking out at the lake. Many times Bertolt thought about telling you how he feels so as to avoid Reiner making many inappropriate jokes, so that the boys can stop bothering him about you, and so he can get rid of this uncertainty in his heart. Bertolt had to admit to himself he felt so strongly for you, but how can he? He has a job to do and you would only-... “Bertolt?”

“A-Ah… uhm, yes?”

A soft laugh escaped your lips, before you looked up at him and reached to place a hand, what was originally going to be his cheek, but you thought against it, and instead placed your hand on his shoulder, “You're so cute you know that?” you beamed up at him, causing the tall boy to blush yet again, making you laugh at his flustered expression.

“Uh-Uhm, (Y/N)?” Bertolt asked suddenly taking hold of your hand on his shoulder, bringing it to his lips but stopped suddenly as though he realized what he just did. You stared at him surprised.

“Yes?” you asked, your eyes shining with anticipation, your heart racing in hope. His lips gently brushed against your knuckles as though he was going to kiss them and their eyes locked. Then, for the briefest of moments, you saw what appeared to be only what you would consider all the sadness in the world, noticing this Bertolt sighed and dropped your hand.

“We should… we should go back…” he replied, his voice laden with remorse and self-reproach, his gaze turned away from you.

“Oh…” was all you said.

Then he began to walk away.

Watching his tall figure walk away from you, a strong pang struck your heart. You felt that this wasn't right, you  _knew_ and you  _knew he knew_ that this felt wrong. Having dealt with beating around the bush for two years, you have had enough, you clenched your fists before taking off after him. Upon hearing fast approaching footsteps behind him, Bertolt suddenly turned to see you jump towards him, your arms outstretched before you.

“Bertolt!” you cried, tears pricking your eyes. You were expecting to collide into him, but instead Bertolt caught you and together you spun around for a second, he holding you close to him, afraid you would fall again. Once he gained his balance, he looked down at you, baffled at your actions.

“(Y/N)! What-... what were you thinking?!” he exclaimed before stopping himself, noticing how tightly you were gripping onto his shirt, his shock was soon replaced with concern, “(Y-Y/N)?”

You looked up at him, trying to prevent yourself from crying, yet managing a bright smile, “You're so cute, and stupid!” you whispered, “So stupid… yet so kind, and gentle, and so hard on yourself…” Bertolt looked down at you taken aback, yet so incredibly happy. “Bertolt… I…” you whispered looking at him, sniffling and laughing at yourself as you attempted to blink back tears. He smiled and laughed with you before he wiped your cheeks.

“I know…” he replied, brushing your (H/C) hair from your face, “me too.” You leaned forward and placed your foreheads together, your noses nudged against the other and they laughed softly before suddenly Bertolt realized how close you were. A blush formed on his cheeks, he began to clamp up, shy away, avoid your gaze, but he steeled himself and when he looked back at you, the emotion in your eyes were so loving, gentle and Bertolt couldn't resist.

Then, those thoughts filled his mind again, _Wall Maria… Titans…_ Bertolt stood still, shocked at himself for the nightmares to suddenly resurface. You saw his gaze shift instantly from a young man who looked so enraptured and in love with a young woman to the guilt-ridden, remorseful eyes of a damaged man. Taken aback, you were about to move away from him but his grip on you tightened, he grit his teeth and pulled you back to him.

“Bertolt-” You started but the tall soldier had smashed his lips against yours in a rather sudden, heated kiss. Your eyes were wide open, incredibly taken aback at the usually shy and reclusive boy's actions, yet you noticed how tightly his eyes were closed, as though he were in pain. Whether he was feeling pain or not, clearly he was… uncomfortable. You slowly reached up to gently run your hands through Bertolt's black hair, it was through that simple gesture that seemed to have calmed him down and he pulled away for a brief second. Bertolt looked down into your luminous (E/C) eyes and ever so slightly there was a smile that tugged at his lips. He kissed your forehead, kissed your cheeks, ran his fingers through your hair before finally he moved to kiss your lips softly. His eyes were closed in happiness, and gradually he relaxed, that voice no longer in his head and he pressed you closer to him.

Slowly they pulled away from each other, you looked up at him with a kind smile, his emerald eyes seemed to finally come to life within the moonlight as he held you in his strong arms. “Finally…” you whispered as you nuzzled your cheek against his chest.

“What do you mean?” he chuckled, absentmindedly stroking your hair as though it was the most delicate thing in the world.

“Well, since that day you couldn't help but stare at me, I knew you were shy but I didn't think it would take two _years_ for this to finally happen,” you confessed, your grip on him tightening as well before you looked up at him, expecting to see a smile or something that was _not_ expressed on his face. He seemed… sad. So very, _very_ sad, almost horrified, as though he was witnessing the aftermath of something truly terrible. As though his world had just been utterly destroyed leaving Bertolt alone to deal with it. “Bert-... Bertolt?” you asked him worriedly , “What's… what's wrong?”

“No… it's…” he shut his eyes tight again, placed his large hand on the back of your head and held you so close, and so tight, his body heat radiating off of him like steam, and if you didn't know any better you would think you saw some rising from him. “It's fine… everything is fine… now that you're here with me,” he confided in you before moving your head from his chest and leaned down to kiss your lips again. When he pulled away from you, you brought your arms up to place on his shoulders and you stroked his cheek with your right hand.

“Bertolt,” you sighed, “We're in this together… no matter what. Until the end…” however as you were saying this, Bertolt's expression only seemed to falter just slightly to that of worry, so you continued and asked, “Can you promise me something?”

At this, Bertolt was startled, “Yes, of course, anything.”

“Can you promise me, that after everything we go through, no matter how horrible, you will always come back to me?” you asked him in a serious tone placing both your hands on his cheeks.

“Of course… Then you promise me one thing too," he spoke softly, he held your hands and leaned down to place his forehead against your own, his intense heat radiating from his skin into your body, "promise me... that you won't die," that last part came out more as a whisper, "promise me that you'll always fight. Do this for me, and I will always come back to you.”

You looked into his eyes and again, that raw emotion that screamed for help, for care, for love was evident in those beautiful eyes of his. You gasped sharply when Bertolt suddenly pulled you in an embrace, “Bertolt?” you whispered into his ear, causing him to nearly shiver. He moved his head to face your neck and was about to act without thinking before you giggled softly and said, “We should go back now… Mina is probably worried about me.”

“But we just got here…” Bertolt whined, resting his face in the crook of your neck.

“Yes and no, but if we don't hurry back, Sadies will most likely notice,” You giggled as Bertolt only groaned in protest before he finally let go of you. Standing before him, you realized just how warm Bertolt was, the night was cold and Bertolt didn't seem to be bothered by it at all. You shivered as soon as your bodies lost contact. Bertolt smiled and couldn't help but chuckle before he approached your side and wrapped his arm around your waist.

“Here,” he smiled before you walked together back to the barracks, “Good night,” he whispered to you when you got back, placing a sweet kiss on your forehead. You only smiled giddily before you quickly pulled him back for a kiss, “Good night.” With that Bertolt smiled before he waved to you and ran off back to the boys’ dormitory.

You finally entered the girls’ room only to see Ymir and Krista sleeping together, Mikasa sleeping soundly, Sasha sprawled out on her bed yet surprisingly not getting in the way of Hannah sleeping next to her, Annie was tuckered out under her sheets, and Mina was sleeping in the same position as before sitting upright against the headboard of the bed. You smiled before you leaned down to scoop the tiny Mina in your arms and carry her to her bed next to Mikasa. Just as you made sure she was comfortable and was about to head off to your own bed, “(Y/N)?” You being addressed looked down at Mina who reached out to grab your hand.

“Yes it's me, go to sleep,” you whispered to her soothingly, leaning down to stroke her hair lulling the young woman back to sleep. Once she was asleep, you got back into your own bed beside Annie, “I know you're awake,” you whispered to your friend beside you.

“You only said that, you didn't know for sure,” Annie replied in her usual monotone voice before turning over to see her friend.

“No, but could my reason simply be because I know you?” you asked with a hint of a grin. Annie, however, only glared making you sigh, “I'm just kidding,” you replied.

“How'd it go with Bertolt?” Annie asked, her glare disappearing, her expression back to its usual blank stare.

“It went-... wait, how did you know?”

“I know you.”

You only stared blankly at your Russian friend, your lips in a bit of a pout, “And I know Bertolt,” Annie added soon after. You only huffed before you turned to lay on your back.

“Well, it went… fairly well,” You told your friend then looked back at her whose only response was a slight nod before she turned her back to you, “Good night, (Y/N),” Annie whispered. You smiled slightly, “Good night, Annie.” With that, the two women were fast asleep.

 

You were suddenly roused from your sleep to someone shaking you. Begrudgingly, you opened your eyes, coming face-to-face with Mina, her wide blue eyes had a bit of a shine to it as her smile beamed at you. “Good morning!” she giddily told you, in a rather loud voice. Sasha's smiling face soon came into view, and so did Hannah and Krista. Ymir, Mikasa, and Annie were changing into their cadet uniform looking over to the girls fangirling.

“Why didn't you wake me up earlier?” You panicked, completely ignoring the girls surrounding you, throwing the sheets off your body before running to your closet, pulling your shirt over your head as you made your way over.

“I was going to wake you, but you slept late so I figured to give you a bit of time,” Annie replied, clicking the clasps on her legs into place before proceeding to put on her boots, “I told them to wake you. They have questions.”

You groaned as you slipped on your white button up shirt, looking over at the other girls’ excited faces, you sighed as you began buttoning up your shirt, “Alright, lay it on me,” soon after saying that, the girls surrounded you.

“What happened?”

“Did you kiss?”

“Was he shy ‘cause your boobs are intimidating?”

_“ Sasha! ”_

“Where did you go?”

As these questions persisted, you only continued getting dressed, pulling your white pants up, closing all the clasps making sure they were secure before slipping on your cadet jacket. They only got quiet, still giddy and bubbly though, as you stood up and looked down at the other girls. You sighed before smiling down at them all, “Well, those questions will have to wait until later, we have to go.”

“Awwww! No fair!”

“Now, now Krista, such inappropriate details shouldn't be heard by your precious ears.”

“You better tell us later then!”

Slowly, the girls all managed to exit the barracks and soon enough the cadets all stood in formation. You stood next to the tall Bertolt who looked down at you from the corner of his eye with a small smile, you glanced at him as well and returned the smile. With that, the day started again.

Today was 3DMG training. Since there was free time before dinner, you felt that you should continue to get the hang of using the gear so as to not use gas too much… And so that Jean could shut up about his constant bragging and him teaching everyone. Earlier that day, Jean had tried to persuade you to let him teach you, but you didn't want to rely on Jean since, well, it's not that you have anything against him it's just... he’s Jean. Maneuvering through the air was easy, it was conserving gas that was the hard part. Flying through the air, something was wrong with your gear, it slipped, malfunctioned, and you were relatively high in the air. You were suspended in the air for a second before you began to fall.

“Are you okay?” Reiner called out to you, before you could look, he was suddenly right at your side, linking his muscular arm with yours, “Grab her! Haul her up!” he yelled right across from him to your other side.

“I’m going now!” another voice called from the distance. Turning your head, as you were still moving in the air, Bertolt came up on the other side of you and linked his arm with your other free arm. Together, the two German soldiers brought you to your feet on top of a tree’s branch. The three of them were hunched over with their hands on their knees breathing heavily.

“Geez, that was reckless! Way to lose position!” Reiner scolded you as they caught their breath, he shot you a glare to which you immediately shied away.

“But everything worked out fine. Let's head back,” Berolt offered, noticing that Reiner was getting upset with you since you weren't being more careful. Reiner nodded before he jumped down from the branch of the Titan sized tree. Just before you could jump down from the branch, Bertolt placed his hand on your shoulder gently.

“Bertolt?” you asked him confused. The expression on his face was mixed with that of worry and… need? You set the handles onto your blades before moving away from the edge and stood in front of him. “Is everything alright?”

“U-Uh… yea,” he quickly replied, noticing that he was staring at you. He looked away from you again before he sighed heavily and he too hooked the handles onto his blades. Bertolt sat down with his legs hanging over the edge, and turned to look at you before sheepishly patting a spot next to him, you only stared before you giggled and did as he told you. The two of you leaned back, using your arms as support, your fingers occasionally brushing against each other. You wanted to hold his hand but knew that the sudden act would cause him to get flustered and shy away.

As though Bertolt could read your mind, he reached over and intertwined your fingers with his. You blushed from both shock and the sudden action. You looked up at him with a smile and was further surprised to see a completely confident smile on his face. Then with the hand he was holding, Bertolt pulled you towards him to have their sides flush together, his arm wrapped around your waist and you only laughed lightly before leaning your head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Touched by the gesture, Bertolt's cheeks flushed but he steeled himself and relaxed before he placed his own head on yours. Reaching for his right hand with your left, their fingers intertwined with each other again, your hands resting a top your thigh.

“Did I worry you?” you asked him after a moment of sitting quietly enjoying the other's company.

“Uh-Uhm…” Bertolt stuttered, debating whether or not to admit it, but you were patient and knew by how his heartbeat increased, he was getting flustered again. Then it began to calm down as he sighed, “Y-Yeah, I was worried. Reiner and I decided to train as well, and I just so happened to see you. You were doing so well, then your gear must’ve malfunctioned, you were so high up, I wanted to catch you but Reiner beat me to it.”

“How did you find me? You weren't following me were you?” you asked with a hint of a laugh. Bertolt only blushed and lifted his head from you, quick to defend himself with, “I-I was not!” This response only caused you to laugh.

“It's okay Bertolt, it's okay!” you wheezed in the middle of laughter, “I was joking around.” Bertolt sighed before chuckling under his breath, ever since last night he found himself to be more relaxed with you. Looking down at you so close to him he didn't become so flustered, looking down at your hands intertwined with his he smiled, before he noticed his hand was on your upper thigh. His face flushed all the way up to his ears and before he panicked, he looked at your expression. You seemed relaxed, happy with a sweet smile on your face. Calming down, Bertolt raised your hand to his lips. At this you looked up at him as though questioning what he was doing, until he pressed a chaste kiss to your knuckles. You blushed vibrantly before you hid your face in his chest rather suddenly.

“(Y/N)!” Bertolt laughed as you both fell back on the large tree branch, “I didn't know you were the type to be shy as well!”

“Of course I am! Especially when you do something I don't expect!” you confessed, your voice muffled by the cloth of his shirt.

Bertolt only smiled, wrapping his arms around your waist, “Well, I’m slowly starting to learn to become more confident because of you,” he confessed, stroking your hair.

There was a gust of wind, and suddenly they were surrounded.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” came a voice, probably Jean, “what's this? Didn't know Bertolt was the type to move so fast,” yea that was definitely Jean.

“I mean, I think he is rather happy with it,” was that Armin?

“Hey, just leave the two lovebirds alone,” okay, that was definitely Eren.

Looking up from hiding your face in Bertolt’s chest, you were greeted with the sight of all of your friends and comrades with shit-eating grins on their faces. All except for Marco and Krista who were only smiling sweetly, like the angels that they are.

Bertolt’s grip on you slowly tightened, and you realized that he was becoming embarrassed beyond compare, to which this almost annoyed you.

“C’mon guys, Hannah and Franz are dating, why can’t Bertolt and I?” you sighed as everyone else laughed before Bertolt looked incredulously down at you in his arms.

“(Y/N)?!” he shouted in surprise before you wiggled your way out of his grasp and stood up with the rest of your friends. You glared at them all at first, but you were unbelievably happy with everything, and so that glare turned into a smile. You beamed at them all before looking down at Bertolt whose face was, as expected, flushed a deep red, to which you only smiled before you held a hand out to him, “Come now Bertolt.” The tall German soldier could only stare at the hand baffled before he reached up to grab onto it and pull himself up. Standing before each other, the ‘new official couple’, as Hannah called it, smiled at one another before you proceeded to attack Jean for ruining their special moment. Why Jean? Because he just so happened to have been the closest one.

 

And so the days of cadet training continued.

Everyone regarded you and Bertolt as a couple. Bertolt was still flustered and embarrassed about all the attention he suddenly got from Jean, Connie, Thomas, Mina, basically all your friends, but he came to love you with all his heart, so much so that he felt he could fly.

Yet all that love brought such despair and sadness that made his heart crack with each kiss, with each caress, with each whisper of sweet nothings. Bertolt had fallen so hard for this woman who made him feel alive, made him feel that he wasn’t the cause for your loss, that all of that was in the past and that he could fight! He vowed to himself, with the day of graduation quickly approaching, that he would ensure your happiness, that he would ensure that he would always come back to you, that he would always make you laugh, smile, and that you would never feel this deep, deep pain he feels.


	2. In Spite of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank my little sister who has helped me writing this, she may be younger than me but she and I write together quite often, conjuring up ideas and talking about what would happen so a major thanks to her. Also idk if you’re able to tell, but I’m kinda trying to follow the story line of the manga and the anime just with you and your fabulous self in it… and putting some Bertolt loving in between cuz he needs to be happy… well, here’s chapter 2 enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything related to Shingeki no Kyojin belongs to Isayama, I own nothing of it.

It was the the night before the Disbanding Ceremony and you couldn't sleep… so much has happened in the three years you've been here, and everything is suddenly coming to an end. Everyone will go their separate ways, and as far as you knew, only you, Eren and Mikasa were joining the Scouts. With a sigh, deciding not to dwell further on the matter, you looked around the girls’ dormitory. Everyone was asleep, of course they were, but what about Annie? Looking at Annie sleeping in the bed beside you, you noticed she was fast asleep. At least that's what you thought as you swung your legs over the side of the wooden bunk, Annie watched her friend leave. Every time you got out of bed to take a walk, you always found yourself at that same spot. That spot where the harsh reality of the world can be escaped from for just a few hours or so.

These years have gone by considerably fast, and yet, those years have been the best of your life, true they were also the hardest years of your life but you made everlasting bonds with friends you never thought you would make.

Like Mikasa, Armin, and Eren, for example. You were able to bond with the three of them when you thought you wouldn't be able to. In the girls’ barracks when you weren't with Mina or Annie, you would climb on Mikasa’s bed and chat with her occasionally, sometimes about boys, mostly Eren, but she was the one you confided in about Bertolt since Mikasa was always willing to listen. Ever since that talk with Annie, you have been getting weird vibes from your Russian friend, but you brushed it off since everyone figured that was just Annie being normal and if something really was bothering her, Annie wouldn’t be afraid to tell you. Often you would confide in Mina and Hannah about Bertolt but they would become extremely elated, to which you were glad they were happy for you, but that wasn’t what you were hoping for. What you were hoping for, was for someone to just listen, and Mikasa was a good listener… when she wanted to be, but you were surprised Mikasa listened to you, and since then you would talk with Mikasa every night. Most of the time, the two women would have small conversations but upon learning the fact that the you lived in Shiganshina, Mikasa began to open up and you two would talk for hours about life back then before going to bed.

As for Armin, you thought very highly of him despite the fact that he makes himself less than what he really is. You always thought Armin was a bright, young soldier who held a lot of potential and you made sure to tell him every day. You go to him for advice and he goes to you for advice in return, plus you both share the same interests of wondering what was beyond the walls. Finding time before lecture, you two would sit together and talk to each other about your shared interests. Eren was always around whenever you were with Armin, and the three of you would fantasize about life beyond the wall, what the ocean was like, how the water would feel, if it was warm or cold to swim in. You three would even go so far as to say that all of them, friends included, would live on a beach house with the ocean at their doorstep. 

But if it was only you and Eren together, with Mikasa not too far behind, and you weren't talking about whatever was beyond the wall or what life was like in Shiganshina, you two would be training together in hand-to-hand combat with Reiner, Bertolt, and Annie. You always found Eren’s personality to be entertaining, rambunctious - in a good way - and his determination, his drive to exterminate all the Titans was inspiring. If anything, you felt that you could relate with Eren, Mikasa, and Armin, having lost everything to the Titans, you understood where those three came from. Jean would always joke about Eren, calling him a suicidal maniac, but you could mostly relate with Eren, you too lost your family to the Titans, you too witnessed the horror the Titans could instill in humanity. But that didn’t stop you. You, like Eren, wouldn’t let this fear hold you down.

Then there was Thomas and Mina. Those two have always been your soul siblings, in fact, the two of them reminded you of the two siblings you lost to the Colossal Titan the day it broke the wall. Seeing their mannerisms, you created a strong, personal bond with them. The three of you clicked instantly, not because you wanted to help them due to Shadis’ constant belittling, but because Mina's indecisiveness and excited personality reminded you of your younger (brother/sister) and Thomas's determination and humor reminded you of your older (brother/sister). The three of them have stuck together ever since they met each other, they helped each other out, been there for the other when they needed advice, and always supported the other in training. You weren’t struggling as much as the other two, but you were always more than happy to help the two of them out whenever they called on you.

There was also Sasha, Connie, Jean, and Marco. The five of them got along just fine, occasionally you and Jean would get into petty arguments but you knew that Jean was a good guy, skilled in many things, he just got on your nerves too much. He would become cocky and arrogant occasionally and it annoyed you, sometimes Connie would interject whenever you were about to say something that would most likely start a fight, or Marco would stop Jean before he said something that would anger you or Sasha would change the subject all together. It’s not that you can’t get along with Jean, it’s just the fact that… he doesn’t watch what he says sometimes and it ticks you off. Yet, there are some good qualities of Jean, one day you finally let him teach you how to effectively use the maneuvering gear and it was like he was a completely different person. Jean took his duty seriously, he was a good teacher and he was honestly concerned about his comrades. There are just some moments, especially the time his mother came to visit, that Jean can be… unreasonable. Seeing him yell at his mother, seeing him become flustered and respond in such a way towards his mom, you became angry with Jean that time, yet at the same time, _oddly enough_ , you understood him. You followed him after he stormed off and told him privately, after a long time of calming the poor boy down, “I wish I could write to my mother again.” It was here that Jean and your relationship as friends began to improve. Jean wasn’t such a jerk to his mother anymore after that, however still he was arrogant, and that would, again, irritate you, but not as much as it used to. But there was Marco who would always manage to calm you down with that dopey smile of his. Seeing him smile calmed you and he reminded you that not everything in this world is as bitter as it seems, he is an angel and you vowed to protect him at all costs. He, however, insists that he doesn’t need to be protected, but you knew that he wouldn’t last a second if he ever came face-to-face with what you saw in Shiganshina. But then again, Marco was full of surprises, perhaps he would prove her wrong. Then there was Connie and Sasha, they always made you laugh, the way they interact with each other was always amusing to watch, even if they always got in trouble by Shadis, it was still funny. The two of them were perfect for the other, you had told Mina and Hannah one day, and of course, the girls agreed.

But then again, you were pretty popular among the 104th cadet corps. You were a well rounded soldier, excelling in both the field and the classroom, the other cadets flocked to you for help and advice. You were always making everyone around you laugh, if someone needed help, namely Daz, you always helped them. You gave a kind smile to everyone, and your presence, similar to Krista's but not quite a goddess-like, gave everyone a calm feeling. Speaking of which, you and Krista got along quite well, but then again, everyone got along with Krista, she was a beautiful petite woman who always wanted to help everyone, but with Ymir around it was almost impossible to approach her. You and Ymir got along? It was an odd relationship, you jabbed at each other as a joke and laughed it off, but most of the time Ymir preferred keeping to herself, or preferred the company of Krista more, but it was Krista who you talked to most of the time. You admired her kindness and concern for others, you just wished she would be more concerned for herself at times.

Finally, there was Bertolt, Reiner, and Annie. Ever since those three let you into their circle, the three of them finally managed to break out of their comfort zone and began to make friends with everyone else in the cadet corps. Reiner was the big brother you never had, he made you laugh, he lectured you when you weren't doing something right, he made fun of you occasionally but you bounced right back and made fun of him, all in a joking manner, but most of all, he ensured you knew all there would be about being a soldier. Like Bertolt, Reiner cared deeply about you, he wanted to make sure that his new safe haven would _stay_ safe, not just for his and Annie’s sake, but mainly for Bertolt. Reiner knew of your drive to join the Scouts, and it was because of this, he knew of the chance you would die out there. If you died, Bertolt would… Reiner didn’t want to think about it. Every day Bertolt and Reiner would train with you, accompany you anywhere you went, ensuring you were doing fine. When the two boys weren’t with you, you would be off with Annie. Ever since that night during dinner, you made it your personal goal to befriend Annie, and surprisingly the two of you got along well, despite Annie keeping mostly to herself, you were understanding and knew when your friend wanted to be alone. However, despite becoming one of your best friends, Annie preferred to stay on the sidelines.

It was because of this Bertolt would occasionally stare at Annie, mostly out of worry… but, seeing this, you began to question Bertolt, there were even rumors that began to spread from other cadets that Bertolt didn’t really like you, that he was more fond of Annie, and that whatever you two had together was just an act for Bertolt to save face. Hearing this, you knew that Bertolt was a kind, genuine man yet… you still began to avoid him, he would approach you with that cute, awkward smile of his but you would only manage half a smile, wave, and walk the other way with either Mina or Hannah in tow. Seeing you do that for the first time, Bertolt thought it was odd. What did he do? He and Reiner are with you all the time so he thought you needed space. But that didn’t make sense… you always appreciated their company. Whatever chance he could get: hand-to-hand combat training, ODMG training, eating dinner, he was by your side talking and laughing with you, but when he wasn’t he would always stare at you unknowingly from afar, ensuring your safety, admiring your mannerisms, your smile, or as Reiner would say just to tease him, he was checking you out. But since Annie was always by herself, Bertolt was worried about her as well.

Then it clicked. You were avoiding him because you most likely misunderstood his actions, at least that's what he thought. After three more times of trying to approach you, you avoided him, Bertolt began to worry, and as a result, his nightmares began to resurface. _Wall Maria… Titans… kill them all…_ he couldn't sleep at night as much as he used to. His nightmares were getting so bad to the point Reiner told him one day, “Bertolt, this is just a huge misunderstanding, if this is bothering you so much, talk to her. You’re a handsome guy, and she’s a fine woman, have some confidence in yourself. She’s definitely into you.” Bertolt took his advice, but after many failed attempts, Bertolt couldn’t take it anymore. He _had_ to talk to you, he couldn’t let their last days together end like this. So, on this night before the Disbanding Ceremony, Bertolt could not sleep again. He looked to Reiner sleeping at his side and decided that it was futile. He climbed down the ladder, unbeknownst to him that his friend watched him go, knowing full well where he was going.

 _A twig snapped_.

 _This sounded familiar._ You pulled your leg up before that hand reached out to grab your leg. Looking down with an indifferent expression at the tall German, you sighed and looked away from him.

“(Y/N)…?” he called to you with worry laden in his voice, “Please don't do that to me…”

“Do what?” you asked nonchalantly, keeping your gaze fixed on the lake that somehow no longer brought you peace. Noticing this you grimaced, clicking your tongue, you looked down at Bertolt with the same expression. Taken aback, he sighed before reaching a hand up to you.

“Please come down, (Y/N),” he whispered, “I don't want our last days together to end like this.”

As though sudden realization hit you, a sharp gasp escaped your lips. Staring into Bertolt’s handsome green eyes, you saw a strong sense of yearning, sadness, and again, the way the damn moonlight made his eyes come to life, it swept you off your feet. Tentatively reaching out to him, you placed your hand gently in his own; again, as though you were the most delicate thing in the world, Bertolt gripped onto your hand. Then his expression shifted from remorse to what appeared to be relief. You watched in wonder as he brought your hand to his lips, tenderly kissing your knuckles, lovingly kissing your palm, and finally gently he kissed the back of your hand. When Bertolt looked back up at you, his expression was that of someone with a need to be consoled, a need to be loved, he looked nearly desperate and without warning, Bertolt pulled you down from the tree, his strong arms enveloping you in a warm embrace.

Though you did not expect it, you completely welcomed it. As you fell into his arms, it felt as though time slowed down, your eyes never leaving Bertolt’s face, his lips had a calm smile on them and his eyes held a tender, loving expression to them, yet at the same time… they seemed hurt and doleful. As their bodies were flush together in an embrace, Bertolt held you so tight he was shaking.

“Oh God… Bertolt, I…” you whispered, your voice muffled by his clothing. Bertolt pulled you away from his chest so he could look into your eyes. You had assumed he was crying from how much he was shaking, but he wasn't, yet still, those sad, sorrowful eyes of his looked back into your own, causing your heart to wrench. “B-Bertolt…” You tried to whisper but he hushed you by placing a finger on your lips.

“It's… it's okay,” he sighed, the finger he had on your lips traced over your soft flesh delicately, “I know,” he admitted, before removing his finger and replaced it with his lips. His lips upon yours were soft, careful and considerate, yet he kissed you with such fervor at the same time it drove you crazy. You pulled away from each other, still holding the other in a warm embrace, a look of want evident in Bertolt’s eyes, taking you by surprise, but as soon as you saw it, that look was gone, replaced by the usual shy, embarrassed expression that he always has, his gaze looking away from you almost out of embarrassment.

“Bertolt…” you whispered his name, calling to him. The man tensed upon the sound of his name passing your lips, it wasn’t the fact that you called to him, it was _how_  you called to him. It was his name that passed your lips, it was the way you said _his_ name, no one else’s, _his_.

His eyes instantly stared back into your own, “Say it again,” he whispered in a near shivering voice. That look was back in his eyes, that look of absolute want… no, _need_. Your lips curved into a delightful smile. You noticed something as you placed your hands on Bertolt’s cheeks, Bertolt never looked at Annie this way, only you.

“ _Bertolt…_ ” you whispered as you looked up at his face, your hand ran through his hair softly. His teeth clenched, his grip on you tightened, before suddenly, your back was to the trunk of the tree whose branch you sat on. Taken by surprise, your eyes gaped open, his large form looming over you, suddenly making you feel very small. Your arms had fallen to your side upon impact, and the two stood like that for a moment, you pinned by Bertolt’s arms to the tree, and his tall form hovering over you, almost protectively. But, his expression was not that of desire and need, but rather of love and care, his eyes were looking upon you so tenderly and so gently, yet his lips had almost a sheepish grimace upon them, as though he was embarrassed at what he had just done. At that you surged forward, wrapping your arms around Bertolt’s torso, taken aback, the two fell, Bertolt on his back and you atop him.

“(Y/N)…?” Bertolt called to you, his large hand smoothing down your hair, “Are… Are you alright?” You only laughed lightly in response before turning your gaze to look into his eyes, “Yes… Yes, I’m okay… I… I shouldn’t have acted that way towards you… we have so little time together I let my personal feelings get in the way without talking to you about it first…” As you were rambling on like that, all Bertolt did was stare at this beautiful woman laying on his chest, filling him with a warm feeling that gave him nothing but happiness. Truly, so strongly and so _desperately_ , he loved this woman. It’s as though you made all his pain melt away, the tension in his body eased every time their bodies came into contact, and more importantly, you calmed his mind, made him feel wanted and loved. But he knew that this love would be short lived, he knew that he has a mission to do. Would you stay with him despite the fact? Would you keep your promise? He knew that no matter what, he would keep the promise he made to you.

“Bertolt?” your voice suddenly roused him from his thoughts.

“Y-Yes?”

You smiled, placing your cheek on his chest, looking up into his eyes with a childish smile, “You’re doing it again,” you reminded him, softly poking the bridge of his nose. You continued to do so, hoping to get a laugh out of him, but he only sighed and gripped the hand that kept poking him before bringing it to his lips. Kissing your fingers soothingly, as though telling you he was okay, he fought back the tears that were welling in his eyes, fighting that all too familiar lump forming in his throat.

“I can’t help it,” Bertolt sighed as he let go of your hand, “You’re too beautiful for this world…” his last sentence was barely over a whisper as he lovingly brushed the hair from your face. You in turn only stared at him albeit rather startled before you smiled at him, placing your hand over his, leaning into his touch. Looking at him, you noticed that there seemed to be more that he wanted to say, his eyes held so many emotions. For just a second, yes there was love and compassion, but for a moment, a deep, deep sadness flashed through his eyes. Seeing that, your smile vanished and a sigh passed your lips. You sat up slowly so as to not cause Bertolt alarm. Still, as you began to straddle his waist, the brightest blush formed on Bertolt’s cheeks and he sat up as well, making their position all the more intimate. Noticing this, Bertolt tried to ask you what was wrong, but all he managed was a stutter of non-coherent words.

“Bertolt,” you called to him bringing the flustered man back to focus. He tentatively looked back at you who had what appeared to be a look of pity? No, it wasn’t pity, it was dejection. Leaning forward, you pressed your foreheads together and your hands carefully caressed his arms to rest on his biceps, “Please… Bertolt… please…” you whispered, “let me make you happy…” Bertolt was again taken aback and stared at you in shock. Did he hear you correctly? Overwhelmed suddenly, it took all his might to not take you then and there, instead he leaned in to kiss you gently. With no time at all, you reached to run your fingers through his hair, returning the kiss with near desperation, hoping that action would get your point across. That yes you love him so much, that yes you care about him more than any of the friends you made here, that even though you're going to join the Scouts, you would always fight for him since now you had another reason to come home. Yet, it seemed there was more to it than just that, something that he wasn’t telling you… _couldn’t_ tell you. What could it be that would cause him such sadness and heartbreak that he could not tell you? Seeing that constant look of remorse and utter sorrow made your heart break.

Bertolt’s eyes opened for a second to see your face, but he was startled to see your brows furrowed and tears in your eyes. Pain now struck his heart… if only he could tell you… but he knew he couldn’t, even though being in your presence put a halt to the cause of his pain, he _knew_ couldn’t. He couldn’t bear to be rejected by the only woman he loved, he would have to continue deceiving you, deceiving everyone. For now, at least, he would only enjoy being with his lover for as long as he can.

“You already make me feel so happy,” Bertolt confessed to you in between kisses. He pulled away from you as he changed the position of his hands, one placed on the small of your back to keep you upright and the other he placed between your shoulder blades. His kisses moved from your lips to your jaw, down to your neck, suddenly consumed by confidence in himself and passion for you, he began to kiss, nip and suck at your neck ensuring that he would leave marks. The sounds you made were heavenly, it spurred him on, he wanted to hear more, more, more. But with the way your body arched suddenly caused their hips to grind against the other. Bertolt let out a sudden groan and an astonished gasp escaped your lips upon feeling something poke you, making Bertolt stop suddenly in his assault on her neck.

Bertolt didn’t even move, he was frozen in place, absolutely embarrassed. He looked down at your hips flush against the other before a bright red blush flushed through his face. Of course this would happen. He is a man. A man who was doing things such as this would obviously result in this outcome. Bertolt felt himself get incredibly hot, although he was already getting a bit steamy there but that's besides the point. He was getting way too ahead of himself, he didn’t even know what overcame him, “(Y-Y-Y-Y/N)! I-I-I’m so sorry! I-I-I have no-...” Bertolt tried to stutter out an apology, his gaze fixed on the cause of his indecency, absolutely refusing to look at you. But he knew he had to, expecting a scowl or a glare, your eyes finally met, only to be baffled at how you appeared before him. He was still holding you upright, your back still arched, your arms were slack at your sides, however it wasn’t the fact that your body was open and exposed, but it was the expression upon your face. Your (E/C) eyes were half-lidded, your soft lips slightly agape, your (H/C) hair a slight mess, and an ever-so-slight blush formed on your cheeks. With the moonlight accentuating your features, Bertolt was at a loss for words at the gorgeous sight before him.

Seeing his dilated emerald eyes illuminated by the moonlight search your body up and down, you couldn’t fathom the fact that this was the same shy, mild-mannered German soldier. Yet this soldier, whose strong arms held you close, was the one who had previously assaulted your neck with kisses, leaving hickies in his wake. You would be lying to yourself if you didn’t admit that seeing this side of him was absolutely, and literally, breathtaking. When his eyes met your's, slowly he set you upright and brought you closer, a sweet, kind smile, almost apologetic, was gracing his lips. You returned the smile, so incredibly happy that this man was who he was, you wrapped your arms around his chest as they met in a chaste kiss. Still straddling his waist, to help him feel comfortable, you moved your hips away from his, a sigh of… relief? Escaped Bertolt’s lips, or was that disappointment? You didn’t know, but seeing his embarrassed reaction earlier, you didn’t want him to be uncomfortable. Bertolt brushed your hair out of the way before the two of you stood up, you being careful not to… stare.

After brushing off the dirt and straightening up, Bertolt reached out to stroke your cheek, “You’re going to join the Scouting Legion?” You faltered in your response, absolutely not expecting that question to be the first thing out of his mouth after that, you almost forgot that the Disbanding Ceremony was tomorrow… this private little oasis made you forget all the cruelty of this world, this place was an escape from all of those horrible things that happened in the past.

Sighing, you nodded your head, “And you’re joining the Military Police, aren’t you?” Bertolt, like you, also faltered in his response before he too nodded in reply. Noticing this you quickly added, “But hey!” you reached for Bertolt’s large hands, “I made a promise to you, didn’t I? Thought I forgot?” Seeing Bertolt’s suddenly bewildered expression, you stuttered, looking into Bertolt’s eyes almost incredulously, “Y-You… You didn’t forget did you?” How could Bertolt ever forget? He would hold onto that promise even if it killed him.

“No! Of course I didn’t,” Bertolt replied instantly, holding your hands tightly. You in turn sighed before you smiled up at him and the two of you made your way back to the barracks hand-in-hand. Before leaving each other, Bertolt kissed your fingers and ran his fingers through your hair, his touch lingering under your chin as though this were the last time he would see you… perhaps not, but after tomorrow… he wasn’t so sure. After bidding each other a good night, you both climbed back into bed, made sure your bunkmate was asleep before falling asleep themselves.

 

Waking up, you have never dreaded a day in your life. As your eyes fluttered open, you realized that you were the first one awake. Looking around, you slowly maneuvered in your bed so as to not create so much noise and to stare out the one window of their room. The sun rise was peaking just over the hill shedding light within the dark room. Turning over again to face Annie’s sleeping form, you tried to fall back asleep again since this was the one morning the cadets could sleep in, but you couldn’t. Turning to lay on your back to stare at the bottom of the bunk above you, you ran your fingers through your hair; way too many thoughts were running through your mind at the moment. You never thought that you would never wanted to graduate from the cadet corps. It’s not that you didn’t want to, it was just the mere fact that from here on out, it was unknown as to what would happen next. Would you die during your first expedition? Would you ever see your friends again? Startled from your thoughts to basically everyone getting out of bed, how long have you laid in bed like that for? You also got out of bed.

There was nothing to do that day since tonight was the Night of the Disbanding Ceremony. Everyone seemed relieved and happy to finally graduate, to have finally made it, to not have washed out like some other people, but you? Okay, yes, throughout the day that negative feeling faded, and gradually you felt grateful as well. You were glad you could graduate, happy to finally get a move on with your life, and determined to bring the fight to the Titans, especially to the Colossal Titan. Had it not been for that _thing_ to suddenly show up and kick down the wall, your family would still be alive. Shaking your head from that dreadful thought, you continued on about your day.

The day went by way too fast in your opinion. Most of the day you were with Mina and Thomas talking about what they would do in their lives. Thomas tried to convince you to join the Garrison but after witnessing those lazy soldiers do nothing but drink and laze about for as long as you lived in Shiganshina… and witness them die horrible deaths since… _that day_ , you vowed to become stronger than any soldier, maybe not on the same level as Corporal Levi, but still. Thomas and Mina don’t know that you regard them as your siblings, you figured that they would think it’s weird, still, you cherished those two.

Finally, night came. It was time.

Standing among the rest of your fellow cadets, you sighed heavily, it seemed like this would be goodbye… No, no, what were you thinking? This isn’t goodbye. Yet at the same time, how could you be so sure? Standing in salute herself, you felt a surge of pride. “We made it. Finally,” you thought to yourself as your eyes scanned over your fellow cadets. These three years were the best years in your life, it gave you the opportunity to hone your skills and body to avenge the death of your family. Looking at everyone, your expression shifted from a grimace of uncertainty to a smirk of confidence and determination.

“We have paid the price for 100 years of peace with tragedy. Given the sense of crisis at the time, we were ill-prepared to cope with the sudden appearance of the Colossus Titan… As a result, we have been forced to abandon our outer Wall Maria, humanity’s sphere of influence has been driven back to where we are now, Wall Rose. It wouldn’t be a surprise if that Colossus Titan showed up… to destroy the wall right this moment. Whenever that time does come, your duty will be to relieve the producers… and give your lives to stand against the Titan menace! Dedicate your hearts!!” You and the rest of the cadets proudly saluted, your fist held tight over your heart as you shouted, “Yes, sir!!!”

Continuing, another instructor came forward with a paper in his hand, “Today you have completed your military training. I will now announce the ten among you who have obtained the top training results. Come forward if I call your name.” You tensed, you knew your name would not be among those on that list, but you weren't complaining as you heard the first name called, “At the head of the class, Mikasa Ackerman. Second, Reiner Braun. Number three, Bertolt Hoover. Number four, Annie Leonhart. Number five, Eren Yeager. Number six, Jean Kirstein. Number seven, Marco Bott. Number eight, Connie Springer. Number nine, Sasha Blouse. And number ten, Krista Lenz.” Watching all your friends walk up to the front, your heart fluttered in pride. Of course they would be the top ten, they were the most talented soldiers and the most unique people you have ever met.

“Now that you’ve completed your training… You have three choices. The Garrison, which reinforces the walls, thereby protecting all of the towns… The Survey Corps, prepared to sacrifice their lives outside the walls by defying the Titans in their own domain… and The Military Police Brigade, which exercises control over the King’s subjects and maintains order… Of course, out of your raw recruits, the only ones who can join the Military Police Brigade… are the ten with the highest scores. Soon, I’ll be asking you which branch you want to be assigned to. But as of right now, the 104th Training Corps is officially disbanded! Dismissed!”

“Yes, sir!” and with that, it was over. You relaxed your posture, only to be attacked suddenly by Sasha and Connie in the form of hugs. You swayed just slightly trying to maintain balance upon the sudden embraces from your two goofball friends, hearing them laugh happily in your ears, you laughed as well. You wrapped both arms around the two squeezing them tightly.

“Ow, ow, ow, ow, (Y/N)!” Connie exclaimed, however still laughing, “Choking, choking me here!”

“D-Don’t kill us before we join the Military Police!” Sasha shouted in mock horror, mockingly making a gagging noise.

“Mah! Just leave her be,” Jean waved his hand dismissively upon finally having caught up with the two, “She’s just jealous she didn’t get to be in the top ten!” Jean smirked that usual smirk of his, causing you to turn your head in his direction. Marco who stood in-between the two trying to calm you down but he noticed you weren't angry, you instead had a smirk upon your face as well before releasing the two from your grip. Noticing you were not angry, Marco moved out of your way before you and Jean gave each other a high five.

“Seems like even horses have some sense of capability, isn’t that right, Jeanie?” Jean only seemed baffled, his mouth agape in shock, before he grit his teeth in another smirk. He clapped his hand on your back and before you could retaliate, “Hey, hey,” Reiner interrupted as he, Bertolt, Annie, Mikasa, Armin and Eren approached them. However, seeing Eren approach, you noticed Jean’s smirk shift into a blank expression, and with that he left, Marco smiled apologetically to you who noticed this and Marco, Connie and Sasha followed soon after. Shrugging, you turned to look at all your friends with smiles on their faces, including Annie and Mikasa, their lips had just the slightest hint of a smile.

“Congratulations you guys! I knew you guys could do it!” you beamed at them all. Mikasa smiled in response, Eren smiled just as brightly back at you, Reiner smirked, Annie nodded her head in acknowledgment, and Bertolt’s cheeks had the slightest blush as he sheepishly accepted the compliment.

“C’mon guys! Let’s go join the others and celebrate!” Eren loudly exclaimed, Armin’s eyes lit up before he nodded his head in agreement and walked off with Eren and Mikasa to the Mess Hall, leaving Reiner, Bertolt, Annie, and you.

“Yea! We’ll be there shortly!” you called after the three as they walked off. Turning back around to face your three friends, you smiled at them all before proceeding to give all three of them a hug as best as you could. You wrapped Annie up in your right arm, Reiner in your left and Bertolt somehow got squished in the middle.

“(Y-Y/N)!” Bertolt exclaimed before he noticed Annie had a smile on her face as she hugged you back, Reiner placed his hand atop your head slightly ruffling your hair, and Bertolt realized something. That this moment right here, would probably be the last he would ever get to see you again, because after this… no, he didn't want to think about it. Pulling away from each other you still had your arms around Annie who still had a smile about her lips before she turned without a word to walk off towards the Mess Hall.

“Wait-... Annie!” you laughed delightfully as you called to her before you ran off after her, “C’mon boys! Let's go eat!” Catching up to Annie, Bertolt saw as you walked beside Annie linking your arm with her before Annie quickly jabbed your side in one swift movement. You jumped to the side, most likely taken aback by the action and seemed like you were going to retaliate before Annie turned to look at you with a hint of a smirk and the two young women continued walking.

“Yea! We'll be there!” Reiner called after you as he and Bertolt both watched the girls walk away. Bertolt was about to join the love of his life before Reiner's hand suddenly grabbed his shoulder. Bertolt turned to stare at his friend albeit confused, and upon noticing his firm expression, Bertolt quickly realized what was going on.

“You know what's going to happen tomorrow. We talked about this last night. You can't keep this up, Bertolt. You're going to lose her,” something about Reiner's tone of voice disturbed Bertolt, but he knew what he was talking about… as much as he didn't want to admit it, he knew he was right.

“I-... I know! You don't have to tell me,” Bertolt hissed at his friend yet despite the fact that _Bertolt_ , the usually shy, keeps mostly to himself boy, hissed at his best friend, Reiner was unfazed. Reiner still remained stoic even after Bertolt pushed his hand off his shoulder.

“She's a distraction Bertolt! You have to stop this-... whatever _this_ is with her.  She's the child of the devil-... no not the child, she is the devil himself who took form of a beautiful woman to seduce you from the path of a warrior!” Reiner pushed before Bertolt could walk off.

That finally stopped Bertolt.

Reiner stared at the back of his tall friend and began to worry. Bertolt wouldn't look at him. “Bert-...” Reiner started only to stop in his tracks once Bertolt finally _did_ look at him. A look of pure rage evident on Bertolt's face, “Oi… Bertolt…” Reiner continued in a more calming tone, “you know I'm right, don't let her cloud you from our mission.”

“I'm _not_ !” Bertolt seemingly growled, his fierce glare still fixed on his friend. “And in case you didn't know, what I have with her is love, Reiner. I love her… more than _anything_ ,” his gaze softened as he finally turned to face his friend fully. “I…” Bertolt started but looked as though he had a hard time saying it. His face shifted to a more softer expression and he continued, “I finally found a will of my own… and that's her. She-... she gives me a will for myself. If-... If I lose her I would-... I can't-...” He began to stutter with his words and couldn’t form a coherent sentence.

“Alright Bertolt,” Reiner sighed, placing his large hand on his friend’s shoulder, pulling him out of his thoughts, “I get it. But… You know the possibility of what could happen.”

At this Bertolt grit his teeth, almost annoyed with his friend constantly nagging him, “Reiner… I get it, you don't have to tell me twice. You made the idea that there was no other option available last night.”

“Yea, so for now, tonight; enjoy her company while you can, because come tomorrow morning, you won't be able to.”


	3. How Dare You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Sorry about the late update… I have work and school to juggle at the moment… but whenever I feel like procrastinating I’ll write as much as I can! Thank you to everyone who read this, I know I prolly should’ve said this in the beginning but I want to know what you guys think of it. I mean, you don’t have to but I’m just curious… I promise I will update as soon as I can, as soon as I have time to write. I have so many ideas for this story and, I hope y’all were able to determine that this is just you and your adorable self within the Attack on Titan universe. Of course that is not all that I will write, changes are coming later! Here’s chapter 3, enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing of Attack on Titan, everything related belongs to Hajime Isayama!

After that pep talk with Reiner, Bertolt begrudgingly agreed with his best friend before the two of them changed out of their cadet uniform and together they walked to the Mess Hall in silence. Both men _knew_ that they shouldn’t have gotten too involved with these so-called devils but, how can they not? They’ve lived with them for three years now, they’ve seen them all for who they really were. They’ve eaten their food, slept in their beds, created promises among each other… how can they _not_ become so deeply involved with them? They cared about all of them, going so far to call them friends, and as much as Reiner didn’t want to admit, he too, like Bertolt and Annie, became so accustomed and attached to you ever since that night at dinner. Reiner tried to ignore you, focus on the mission… but he couldn’t.

He tried, but he _couldn’t_ , and that's what bothered him. There was just… something about you that he was drawn to, and the fact that _he can’t have you_ , bothers him. He cherishes you as a friend, but every day he’s reminded of his mission, and using that he tries to bring himself back into focus.

Walking into the loud Mess Hall, the two German soldiers scanned the crowd of cadets for their friends. Bertolt's gaze then found you and Annie sitting together at a long table with Marco and Jean sitting across from the two of you. Both you girls had already changed out of your cadet uniforms: Annie wore a plaid parka that matched the white one she always wore along with what appeared to be khaki pants whereas you wore what you thought would be comfortable for you. Seeing you wear something other than the uniform was a refreshing sight, the uniform was… well a uniform, it wasn't supposed to make you look any certain way but, seeing you wear normal clothes served as a reminder to Bertolt that you weren't just a highly skilled soldier but a young, beautiful woman. As Bertolt stared at you, he watched you talk happily to Marco but upon noticing the two boys walk in you waved at them excitedly.

Bertolt and Reiner smiled at their friends who also took notice of them before they approached the table. As the boys approached the table, you caught yourself staring. Like Bertolt, when you saw him out of uniform you nearly spit your drink from your mouth. You had gotten so used to see him wear nothing else but his uniform and his pajamas, so seeing him wear normal civilian clothes, you had to admit, he was quite handsome, not that he wasn't in the uniform… but still. Reiner patted Bertolt on the back with a smile before he walked over to Armin, Eren, and Mikasa. You watched the burly German walk off and sit with Armin. You didn’t question as to why he left you guys since you knew that Reiner was regarded by everyone in the cadet corps as the big brother of literally everyone there, especially Armin. You also knew that Reiner had helped Armin, or at least attempted to help him, during the endurance training because he told you right after that, and since then Reiner began to hang out with them as well. You remembered that whole day was such a mess, you were too tired to do anything but eat, shower, and sleep.

“H-Hey,” Bertolt called to the two girls rousing you from your thoughts. He managed a small smile but there was something off… something about it seemed forced, as though there was something bothering him and he didn’t want to say anything. “ _Not this again…_ ” you thought apprehensively but nevertheless, you beamed brightly at him deciding to not ruin the mood. Before you could continue, Jean quickly interjected.

“Took you long enough, (Y/N) was waiting here like a damn puppy,” you quickly shot him a glare, raised your arm to throw your mug at him, but Annie quickly stopped you. Your Russian friend gave you a look just as you quickly turned to her with an expression of protest but you managed to calm down. Jean was just… in a _mood_ … his mood was even more evident as he began cockily rubbing the fact that he made it into the top ten in everyone’s faces. Everyone stared at him obviously irked by his attitude, everyone else who made it into the top ten were being humble about it, all except him. As Jean continued, it took all of your might not to dump your drink on his face, Bertolt was able to see it as he stared at you through the corner of his eyes. He knew your relationship with Jean as friends was a tad rocky, but that was understandable, still, Bertolt hasn’t seen you this aggravated before. Annie felt the same way as you did, the Russian woman sat with her back leaning against your right side with her arms crossed staring at Jean with contempt. You groaned rubbing your face with your hands as Jean continued ranting, Marco even tried to stop him when he noticed how ticked off he made everyone.

“So… how about you guys?” Jean suddenly asked. You looked back up at him as he addressed Annie and Bertolt, your (H/C) hair hanging over your fiery gaze. Jean noticed this but paid no mind to you since he was used to that murderous intent.

“I’m applying to the Military Police Brigade,” Bertolt replied as calmly as he could, a bit of a worried expression on his face as he eyed both of the women sitting at his right as you  _both_ now had murderous expressions.

“Me too…” Annie replied nonchalantly, before her tone began to drip with venom as she continued, “But I don’t want anyone to think I’m anything like _you_.” Jean only laughed in response, and before you could reprimand Jean, Eren beat you to it. Now that you thought about it, those two fight more often than not… you knew why but didn’t tell Eren since… you didn’t want to get caught up in whatever drama that would start. You saw how Jean looked at Mikasa but, you also saw how Mikasa looked at Eren, but then again you also saw how Eren didn’t look at… well anyone. You often wondered if Eren was gay or if he was just not into anyone at the moment. As you were lost in your thoughts, an indifferent expression upon your face, you only listened vaguely when Jean brought the mood down to zero.

“So what?” was all Eren said to get your attention. You looked up at Eren curiously as he continued, “So what you're saying is, “I don't think we can win, so I'm giving up.” Tell me… what's so good about giving up? Is it better to escape from reality, to the point where you’re throwing away your hope? In the first place… it’s a given that we’d lose to the Titans in material terms. One of the causes of the defeat four years ago was our ignorance about the Titans… We lost then, but the information we gained will surely lead to our hope for the future. And yet you’re going to give up on developing strategies to fight them? Do you want to be Titan food that badly? Give me a break.” As Eren was monologuing, your eyes shone brighter than Bertolt and Annie have ever seen, you leaned back in your chair staring at Eren in wonder as you listened, in awe of his words. “I… I have a dream…” here your head perked up, “It’s to exterminate the Titans and leaved this cramped walled-up world. My dream is to explore… the outside world.” You knew of this dream, you and Eren talked about it many times during training, and each time you spoke to each other, you always spoke about life beyond the wall, the possibilities that the world offered. It was during one of those talks that he confessed to you his dream, to which you told him that you shared the same dream, you never thought he would tell everyone of this dream he had but, it seemed to have done a good job since you weren't the only one who felt inspired as well. Scanning the room, you saw Connie, Sasha, Armin, and of course Mikasa listening intently, but what shocked you the most was that of the expressions of Thomas and Mina.

You stared at them albeit rather shocked since, if you didn’t know any better, that was the expression of wonder, awe, and you would be lying to yourself if you had said that didn’t make you fear for them. You were about to say something to break up what was beginning to look like a fight that was going to break out between the two, but it happened anyway. Your expression deadpanned as you saw the two fighting _again_. You weren't surprised but… still, Jean was being unreasonable again. Once Mikasa finally broke the fight, she swept Eren up and brought him outside with Armin following suit.

After that whole fiasco, Reiner then joined Bertolt, Annie and a very angry you at the table. When Franz and Hannah successfully calmed down Jean, he sat down with a huff right across from you. Hannah eyed her friend tentatively with a worried smile before she walked back to sit with Mina and Thomas with Franz at another table.

“Jean,” was all you said to your friend, your glare hardened as he only waved you off, “ _Jean_ , do not just wave me off like that, you can't just say things like that! Remember what we talked about?”

“ _Huh?!_ So what? I want to ensure that _I_ live so that I can at least see _my_ mother again,” Jean hissed in your face. You were taken aback at his words, the glare disappearing from your eyes only to be replaced with a wide eyed expression of shock.

“Jean!” Marco exclaimed, noticing that struck a nerve too close to home for you.

“What?! That's just the way it is. I'm not gonna-...”

“Take… take that back,” you stammered, your glare returned with heat, your teeth grit in anger as you clenched your fists at your side.

“Oh, and why should I? That's just how I feel,” Jean replied in a simple sentence, leaving you to stare at him a bit flabbergasted with his attitude, either Jean wasn’t understanding what you were trying to say, or he was just being an asshole. Feeling angry, frustrated, and perhaps a bit jealous, you calmly stood from the table before you ran outside. Both Bertolt and Reiner stood up to follow after you, but Reiner beat Bertolt to it, “Oi! (Y/N)! Wait!” he called to you as he ran off after you.

After the door to the Mess Hall closed behind Reiner, Bertolt sat back down uncertainly, his gaze still lingering on the door. He had wanted to run to you as well but he remembered what Reiner told him. Should he run to you and disregard what Reiner told him or should he fulfill his duty as a soldier and try to keep his distance? Annie clicked her tongue, “Nice going horseface,” she chided, looking at Jean with a scowl she continued, “It looks like you made her cry…” Hearing this, Bertolt brought his focus on the mere fact that Jean made you cry.

“Yea Jean… that was  _really_ uncalled for… I can’t believe you forgot she told you about her family…” Marco sighed in frustration pinching the bridge of his nose. Jean’s face flushed a deep red in embarrassment before his gaze flicked towards Bertolt staring at him and immediately he sighed in defeat, “Yea… you’re right… but she’s probably too heated to talk to me right now… I’ll just wait until she comes back.”

“What do you mean ‘her family’?” Annie questioned, her scowl slowly receding as she crossed her arms on the table, leaning forward now curious, she continued, “She… never mentioned her family to me… She would've at least told me of all people... has she mentioned her family to you, Bertolt?”

Pulling Bertolt from his thoughts, he looked down to Annie, then to Marco and Jean, “No,” he replied, “she didn’t tell me about her family… why? What happened to her family?” And suddenly, in the pit of his stomach, Bertolt had the worst feeling that he already knew what happened to your family but… he wanted to make sure.

Marco stared at the two with an incredulous expression, “(Y/N)'s family? I’m… surprised she didn’t tell you… well, I’m sure (Y/N) wouldn’t mind…” Bertolt and Annie didn’t say anything else in response and so Marco continued, “In Shiganshina, when the Colossus Titan broke the wall, (Y/N) was the only survivor in her family, no one else made it… she was just a kid, she witnessed not only her parents, but her siblings’ deaths that day.” Upon hearing those words leave Marco’s lips, at the same time, both Annie and Bertolt’s expressions slowly twisted in dismay, why haven't you told _them_ about this?

 _“Why didn’t she tell me?”_ They both thought to themselves, then sudden realization hit Annie and with concerned eyes, she turned her gaze ever so slightly to look at Bertolt. As expected, Bertolt was _horrified_ , however, his expression wasn’t portraying what he felt, but given how seemingly calm he was handling this, Annie knew better than that. Marco and Jean didn’t notice it, but Annie saw how Bertolt was gripping the edge of the table so tightly his knuckles were turning white, his hands were shaking, and if Annie paid close attention, his breathing was a tad heavy. Jean noticed Annie staring at Bertolt with a hint of concern on her face, and before he turned his gaze to look at the tall German, Bertolt suddenly stood up from his seat, causing the rest of those at the table to stare at him baffled from his sudden behavior. Without a word, he walked briskly to you.

He _had_ to.

He didn’t care about the mission, he never wanted this in the first place, _“Screw the mission. Screw my duty as a warrior. I give up. I can’t do this anymore. I… I can’t believe I… (Y/N)… I…”_ Opening the door, he rounded the corner upon exiting the Mess Hall to where he heard soft sniffling and crying, and there he saw you sitting on the floor with your back against the wall, Reiner beside you with his right arm around you, his hand gently rubbing your shoulder.

You suddenly looked… small. Your knees were hugged tightly towards your chest, your arms were wrapped around your legs as you hid your whimpering face on your knees from Reiner. You were leaning into him as he whispered soothingly, “Hey, hey, it's okay, Jean can be an asshole sometimes but he doesn't mean it... c'mon, don't cry." You finally began to calm down, but just before Bertolt could even take a step, you looked at Reiner and he laughed a bit before wiping your eyes, “Now cheer up, Berolt wouldn't want to see you crying, so stop that.” You managed a small laugh, and before you two stood up, Bertolt was already back inside the Mess Hall feeling a bit… confused. He knew he had done something so… _unforgivable_ … but, he didn’t know how it had affected _you_ … how can he face you now?

“Oi Jean,” Reiner’s deep voice startled Bertolt, “You better make a damn good apology to (Y/N) right now. You made her cry.” Still sitting in his chair, Jean turned around albeit rather abruptly at the sound of Reiner’s angry voice to see you standing behind him with puffy, red eyes.

“Yea, yea…” Jean sheepishly replied, rubbing the back of his head as he stood up to face you, “I was being an ass, I'm sorry (Y/N). I shouldn’t have ran my mouth earlier…” As he apologized, he avoided looking at you and kept his gaze fixed on your shoes. When you didn’t reply, Jean looked back at you to see your lips pursed in a pout, before you smacked him upside the head, “Ow!” he cried out, everyone else seemed to laugh lightly as they noticed.

“It's fine Jean, next time watch your mouth... Don't be rude,” you awkwardly told him in the best firm voice you could manage, but it only came out meek and awkward, Jean sighed before he attempted to give you a hug but you glared at him, all in a playful manner of course, “Don’t even think about it Jeanie, I’m still mad at you,” Jean held his hands up in submission with a hint of a smirk on his lips as you sat back in your seat besides Annie and Bertolt with Marco smiling at you.

And so, with that, the night continued.

You and your friends all celebrated graduation, they were all talking and laughing with each other… or rather most of them were. Bertolt hadn’t spoken a single word that night, he wouldn't even look at you no matter how many times you called to him. You did anything you could to get his attention but he would not look. When the night ended, you tried to say good night, but all he could manage was a rueful smile, a small, awkward wave, not even a hug, before he walked off with Reiner. You had tried asking Annie about it but all she did in response was shrug. Perhaps she was too tired to give a proper response, but since Annie wasn’t all that concerned with it, you convinced yourself that perhaps it really wasn’t too much of a big deal. Too tired to think anymore, you went to sleep beside your friend.

 

The next day, Hannah had asked you if you wanted to walk around Trost District with her, Eren, and Franz, you agreed but you wanted to bring Annie along. Hannah didn’t seem to mind, so you asked Annie if she wanted to join but she said that she, Reiner, and Bertolt had something to do.

“Oh? What is it?” you asked curiously, “Can I come?” With a bright smile you tried to convince your friend to let her bring you along, but Annie only responded with, “No,” making the most deadpanned expression you have ever seen your friend blatantly express on her face. No matter how you complained and tried to convince Annie to let you join, the stoic Russian woman wouldn’t give in to her friend’s incessant begging. Knowing it was futile, you gave up with an exasperated groan, “Fine!” you huffed in defeat, Annie only smiled at you before she ran off to join Reiner and Bertolt. Seeing your friends, you waved them off, Reiner waved but Bertolt? Not so much as a glance.

Seeing that _again_ , it hurt you, “Hannah…?” you sadly called to your friend as you watched them leave.

“Yes?” she asked, looking at your gloomy expression before looking to see the three walk away.

“Did… Did something happen last night with Bertolt?” you asked as the two of you walked the other way to find Franz and Eren.

“Hmm, not that I recall… I don’t think so… why? Did something else happen other than Jean being… well, Jean?” Hannah inquired, but didn’t receive any response other than your saddened expression, “Hey! Hey! I’m sure it’s nothing (Y/N), so don’t worry! Bertolt will come around! He usually does anyway! You have nothing to worry about!” You looked from the floor to Hannah’s bright smile before you returned it with a very timid smile. “Now then!” Hannah beamed, hooking her left arm with your right arm, “Let’s go find the boys!”

Once the two of you found Eren and Franz, the four of you recruits began walking around Trost District looking at the vendors, the children running around playing, but mainly the insane amount of people that were doing the same thing they always do. It was very surreal to see, at least in your opinion it was.

“Y’know… They may call it a front-line town, but… We’re getting more people,” Eren muttered mostly to himself as he too was observing his surroundings. You looked at Eren almost bewildered when he had said that, before you could say anything else, Hannah chimed in.

“Well, nothing _has_ happened for five years now. People cannot live in fear forever,” Hannah’s happy voice chirped as she looked over at Eren, then looked up at Franz.

“Not to mention we’ve made the wall a lot stronger these past five years. Maybe that Colossus Titan has given up on us…” Franz offered, but this made you very skeptical. There was no way that a Titan like that could just… disappear…

“What’s that foolish crap?!” You jumped suddenly as Eren’s angry voice not only interrupted you from your thoughts, but he literally yelled out of nowhere, “Marriage has turned you soft!” A smile tugged at the edge of your lips as you heard someone say that in such an _angry_ voice, you tried to stifle your laugh, but snorts and snickers eventually erupted from your lips.

Seeing this, Hannah smiled upon seeing her friend smile and laugh, “Wh-Who said we were married…?!”

“To even think we’d make a good couple… you’re getting ahead of yourself, Eren!” Franz and Hannah turned their blushing faces away as they tried to dismiss what Eren had said.

“You two…” Eren sighed in frustration as he saw the couple giggle and simply be in love, but you only laughed as you reached to put your hands on Eren’s shoulders, “C’mon Yeager! Let’s get to the wall otherwise we’ll get in trouble! Let’s give this married couple some alone time!”

“(Y/N)! But we’re not-...” Hannah tried to explain but you had already turned Eren in the direction of the wall.

“What? I’m sorry! I can’t hear you!” You responded back before waving a hand in the air to say goodbye. You had taken your hands off Eren as the two of you walked in the direction of the wall, but your walk to the wall was in silence… which made you feel uncomfortable since Eren usually always has stuff to talk about with you.

“You seem awfully quiet,” Eren’s voice again, took you by surprise making you jump a bit before you meekly chuckled to yourself, “What’s the matter?” He asked you.

“Ah… it’s nothing… I don’t-...”

“I saw you ran out of the Mess Hall with Reiner right behind you last night,” Eren remarked causing you to stare at him a bit startled, “Why were you crying?” Eren’s expression was that of legitimate concern as his intense grey eyes looked straight into your (E/C) eyes. You at first were quiet, you were about to respond but then Eren sighed and glared at nothing in particular, “If it was Jean I swear… I’m going to hurt that horseface-”

“No, no, no, that wouldn’t be necessary-”

“Oh, did Bertolt kick his ass?”

“Uhm…” Eren looked at you earnestly as you tried to explain what happened last night, “Actually Reiner kinda scared him? Bertolt… kinda just sat there and… didn’t talk to me the rest of the night, or today either.”

“Really? No wonder… it’s a little odd to not see him with you, or actually, to see you without _either one_ of those three,” Eren tried joking with you but seeing your gaze cast downward at the dirt floor, he sighed before continuing, “Well, if it makes you feel better…” hearing him say this, you looked back up at him as you walked, “I don’t really like seeing my friends sad like this, so if it makes you feel better, I also saw him follow you and Reiner not too long after you had stormed out of the Mess Hall. But I guess he didn’t approach you ‘cause not too long after he came outside, he went back inside.”

Oh, this was news to you… why wouldn’t he approach you and Reiner? Did he get the wrong idea? He couldn’t have… Reiner was just comforting you as he always does… but then again, it looked like something was bothering Bertolt before anything actually happened that night. After the ceremony, he genuinely seemed happy, but it wasn’t until he and Reiner arrived at the Mess Hall that that same, damn… depressed look was on his face. If that was the case, it wasn’t you, maybe something else entirely? Something he _couldn’t_ tell you…? You groaned, _“This is getting annoying,”_  you thought to yourself with a heavy sigh.

“Did… did that not make you feel better?” Eren beamed at you patting your shoulder. You laughed in response before you ruffled his hair, “Sorry, yes, it did help me, thanks Eren.”

By the time you two had arrived at the wall, you were immediately met with Connie, Sasha, Mina, Thomas, and Samuel.

“Finally you’re here! I’m like a hundred years old,” Connie called over in a bit of an irritated voice. You ignored Connie by sticking out your tongue at him in a joking manner of course before you then returned the extremely tight embrace that Mina suddenly greeted you with before you then greeted Thomas just the same with a sweet, chaste hug that left him blushing just a little. Thomas wasn’t really one for physical contact, he was always so shy, but you were able to get him out of his comfort zone soon enough and he even began to develop a slight crush on you. He knew that it was futile from how much you seemed to like Bertolt so he eventually got over it and cherished you as a friend.

“(Y/N)!” Sasha called to you on the way up to the top of the wall, “Where’s Bertolt, Annie, and Reiner? Didn’t you say they were also assigned to the same squad as us?”

“Yeah! I wanted to talk to them since I didn’t really have the chance to during cadet training,” Samuel confessed, everyone then looked at him incredibly baffled.

“What do you mean?! We had literally three years together and everyone knew who they were,” Eren chimed in very much confused with how Samuel didn’t know who they were until they were announced in the top ten.

“I heard that Berolt is going to join the Military Police, and so is Annie,” Thomas called over to you who was helping Mina clean the cannons, “What about Reiner?”

“I’m not so sure… he didn’t really tell me anything, but knowing those guys, they always stick together so I think they’ll join the Military Police,” you sighed as you set down the sponge you used to clean the cannon with.

“And you’re joining the Scouting Legion?” Samuel asked doubtfully, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yes! I am very sure about that, I have no problem dedicating my heart for the sake of humanity,” you stated quite firmly rendering the rest of her friends to silence, noticing this you sighed before muttering a meek apology.

“Me…” Connie started to say, “Me too…” he replied in _the most quietest voice_ you have ever heard escape Connie’s lips.

“What…?! You’re gonna join the Survey Corps?” Eren asked in a very stunned voice, you in turn looked at Connie with a bewildered expression, “Connie… you’re number eight, right?! Before, you said you were gonna join the MP Brigade…”  

“Naturally, the Military Police Brigade’s a wiser choice… but still…” Connie started to explain in a very sheepish tone of voice which was almost amusing to hear from the typically loud boy. Then Thomas stepped forward carrying a wooden crate saying to Eren, “Your speech last night had an effect on him.”

All Eren could respond with was a dumbfounded, “Huh?!” and Connie was quick to defend himself, “W-Wrong! I… It was… that’s right! It was Jean! I just don’t wanna be in the same branch as that bastard! Besides, he made (Y/N) cry! He’s not a man if he’s going around making women cry…”

“Aww… thank you Connie,” you smiled sweetly at him to which he smirked in response, but then Thomas continued speaking with, “That doesn’t explain why you’d just join the Survey Corps…”

“S-Shut the hell up! I decided for myself!” was all that Connie could retaliate with. You smiled and giggled to yourself as you and Mina were listening and watching the boys interact with each other.

“Don’t be so embarrassed! Sometimes even when you know what you _should_ do, you still hesitate to follow through. Besides, you’re not the only one…” Thomas professed as he awkwardly scratched his cheek with a finger. All you could do in response was stare at him dumbfounded before you stood up suddenly and approached him, evoking a surprised jolt from Thomas since he did not expect his friend to react in such a way.

“You… You sure about that?” you asked in a bit of a tense voice. You knew what it meant to be in the Scouts, you knew of the dangers, the horrors that Titans can instill in people, you were just uncertain if your friends, namely Thomas, could endure a sight such as that in the heat of battle.

Just as Thomas was about to respond, Sasha approached her friends from in-between Eren and Thomas with something in her hands. “Pardon me, but…” she begins to say, and as she says this, out from underneath her cadet jacket, she holds a rather large slab of meat tied together in string, “I borrowed a little meat from the senior officers’ private stock.” At the same time, all of them: Connie, Thomas, Mina, Samuel, Eren and you stared at Sasha as though she has committed such an act of utter horror, to which she just did.

“Sasha… you wanna get thrown into solitary…?” Eren asked her with a hint of a worried tone in his voice.

“You know, you really are dumb,” Connie sighed, shaking his head pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to fathom what caused her to do that, “Scary dumb,” he continued.

“Let’s split it up, later. Slice it, slap it between some bread…” Sasha at this point was drooling, her breath became hot and heavy, her brown eyes shone with desire as she thought about just eating meat… “Put it back!” Connie told her in a firm tone of voice.

“That’s right! Ever since our territory shrank, meat has become incredibly precious!” Mina cried as she took a step forward towards Sasha. Here, Sasha calmed down before she crouched down to place the hunk of meat inside a box of rations, “Don’t worry,” she stated casually, “Once we recapture our territory… we’ll be able to keep more cows and sheep again.”

“Huh?!” Eren again questioned with a bewildered expression before Thomas just so casually stated, “I see your point,” to which everyone looked at him confused, so he continued, “It’ll be like a celebration in anticipation of regaining Wall Maria. Once we eat it, all that’s left is preparing ourselves for the worst!!”

Here everyone stared at Thomas like who are you and what happened to Thomas? But he remained true to his opinion.

“Thomas…” Samuel sighed before he seemed to finally give in to Thomas’s reasoning and said with very much internal convincing, “... I’ll eat that meat, too!” Soon enough everyone began to agree to saving that piece of meat for lunchtime and thus they continued about their business. With an expression just as bewildered as Eren’s, you looked at him with a sweet but very much confused at what just happened smile as you noticed he had such a happy look about his face, his grey eyes shone brightly in hope as you and Eren made eye contact. He gave you this look of determination and you knew exactly what he was thinking, that this moment right here, is where humanity has finally made its first step at a counterattack.

 

Just then, the air went still. There was no wind, nothing. It had gotten very quiet, but it lasted only for a second.

Only for a second.

One. Second.

Suddenly, a _very_ large face appeared out of nowhere from a bolt of lightning that came from a sky with no clouds in sight, and that _face_ with those _eyes_ that looked deep into your soul stared right at you. Not allowing anyone anymore than a second to think, indescribably, unbearably hot steam blew everyone and everything off the top of the wall.

Your eyes immediately shut tight in response as you were hurled in the air from that steam cloud, _“Oh God, this burns! It’s hot… It burns!”_  your mind screamed as you tried to make sense of what was going on, but when you finally opened your eyes, you saw everyone and everything else falling beside you.

“Everyone!” You heard Eren call out causing you to come back into focus, “Switch to Vertical Maneuvering!” Without wasting any second or giving any thought, all of the recruits reacted quickly, switching to Vertical Maneuvering they hooked onto the wall safely, all except Samuel.

“Hey! Samuel!” Eren called out to him, but his cry was of no use since Samuel had been knocked unconscious, a wound was visible on his forehead as you did nothing but watch him fall. Everything was happening so fast, Sasha suddenly dislodged her hooks from the wall and began to run down the wall in order to reach their falling comrade. Sasha then launched one hook back onto the wall and shot the other hook into Samuel’s leg saving him.

“Samuel!” she called out to him, “Don’t move!” Letting out a sigh of relief, you looked back at Connie who turned his head to see you looking down at them all, he gave you a nod of confirmation that everything was okay before you returned the nod in the same manner and moved your gaze to see that Thomas and Mina were alright. Looking back up at Eren, you also nodded your head in confirmation before shouting, “Everyone is okay!”

“That was close…” Eren sighed before an incredibly large, steaming, red hand gripped the top of the wall. Before the cadets had any time to react, the wall shook with such ferocity that you had a hard time keeping your balance. Then, there was a crash. All the cadets turned their head in the direction where the crash was heard and there it was.

Once the dust and rubble had settled, a large, gaping hole was revealed.

“Not again. No, not again!” you thought to yourself as your eyes widened in horror. Utter fear shook your core as you remembered what had happened _that day_ , “On that day…” you muttered to yourself as flashbacks from that day came back to you. No, this wasn’t fear you were feeling… this was _rage_.

“It broke through the wall… Again…” you heard Connie muttering to himself, panicking, “the Titans are gonna come in again… Dammit… the Titans really are gonna…” but neither you nor Eren were listening. Your grip on your handles were so tight you were shaking, your knuckles turned white, and just then, Eren shouted, “Sasha!! Take care of Samuel!!”

Looking up at Eren, you saw that he had his blades drawn, “Fixed artillery squad 4!” he called out, “Prepare for combat!!” On command, you drew your blades as well, “The target is here!! The Colossus Titan!! Don’t let this chance get away!!” Just as Eren dashed up upon the wall, you followed suit without question. Mina tried calling out to her friend but her cry was not heard. “Only the Colossus Titan can destroy the wall!!” Eren explained as he and you ran up along the wall beside each other, “If we can just kill him…!!” You turned to look at Eren and found that he was staring at you with such a determined expression, you nodded your head before both cadets jumped simultaneously into the air, landing on the top of the wall besides each other, with their blades drawn at the ready.

“... Hello there,” Eren calmly greeted the Colossus Titan, “It’s been five years, huh…?” Both you and Eren eyed the Colossus Titan before you with such anger, but if you weren’t mistaken… those eyes of his were _extremely_ familiar. You didn’t even know where that thought came from, but it did. Shaking your head dismissively, you tried to rationalize your thoughts, of course you recognized this monster, this was the monster who was responsible for the death of thousands of innocent people, responsible for the death of your parents, your siblings. It was because of this beast that you were alone.

“You…” was all you said to greet it in a wavering voice filled with rage. Suddenly there was a gust of steam that erupted from the Colossus Titan, aimed specifically at the two of you. Just then, there was a rumble heard overhead, “Eren! Look out!” You called to your friend as you both looked to see it’s massive arm coming in to swat them like flies. As though both cadets had the same thought, the two of you jumped down from the wall on the side the Colossus Titan was standing before you both launched the anchors into it’s arm, swinging yourselves up to land on the Titan.

Together, you and Eren ran up along it’s arm beside one another. Looking up at it, you noticed how it’s eyes looked down at you two, first it’s gaze was focused on Eren, before it shifted to look at you. And there, that same thought struck you again, “Why do his eyes look upon me like that?” you thought to yourself, your expression contorting in confusion and irritation. Shaking that thought from your mind, you forced yourself to look away towards the wreckage that was the top of the wall. Your eyes widened, appalled at the sight that was laid before you, “He… He aimed for the fixed artillery…” you shouted over to Eren in disbelief, “he also _purposefully_ aimed for the gate!” Both of you looked at each other as the same thought came to both of your minds, _“He’s intelligent!”_ The two of you nodded towards each other before you both jumped and flipped into the air to maneuver your ODM gear. Once both you and Eren managed to get behind the Colossus Titan and you both managed to hook onto the nape, you both thought the same thing as you went in for the kill, “He’s slow!! I can do this!! He’s dead!!” Just when you two raging cadets were about to cut into his nape, a large amount of hot, excruciating steam shot right into your faces, catching both you cadets off guard. But this didn’t deter either one of you, you steeled yourselves to slash at the neck, and right when they could…

nothing.

Both of you cadets stared at _nothing_ completely perplexed, _“_ How can there be nothing?! Did I miss?!” For a second, the two of you stayed suspended in the air, and before you could fall, you both hooked back onto the wall. Your gaze and Eren's fell right on the footprints that were left imprinted on the ground, “He… He vanished…” You spoke your mind aloud in disbelief. The two of you were panting heavily as you surveyed the area.

“How… How can it just disappear?” You muttered to yourself as you wiped the sweat from your brow. Before Eren could respond, “The Colossus Titan disappeared!! Eren!! (Y/N)!! Did you kill it?!” Connie called towards you two, but you and Eren turned to look at your friends with defeated expressions, “No… it’s just like five years ago… He suddenly appeared and suddenly vanished!” Eren lamented. Connie, Mina, and Thomas’s expressions also fell in apprehension since they knew what that meant. Both you and Eren swung back on top of the wall. Mina didn’t even allow you to regain your composure as she immediately ran towards you giving you a tight embrace whispering just so softly, possibly hoping that you didn’t hear, “Don’t scare me like that again.” You stiffened as you realized how brash your actions were, how worried your friends must’ve been for you before you returned the embrace just as tightly. The two friends pulled away from each other with relieved smiles on their faces, you placed a hand a top Mina’s head ruffling her hair. Before you could respond, “I’m sorry I let him get away…” Eren cried as he approached his friends.

“What are you apologizing for? We couldn’t even move…” Thomas prattled in awe before Connie quickly interjected with, “Hey… is this any time to chat?!” You looked to Connie as he ran towards everyone in a state of panic, “Part of the wall’s already destroyed! If it isn’t plugged up fast, we’ll get another Titan incursion!!”

Before anyone could react, an unfamiliar voice spoke saying, “What are you trainees doing?!” turning around, the trainees noticed a Garrison soldier had come up on the wall, running towards you all he continued, “The strategy for dealing with a Colossus Titan appearance is already in motion! Report to your posts on the double!” You all saluted in response as another soldier came up on the wall and approached you all adding, “And if any of you made contact with it, make a report to the HQ!”

“Yes, sir!” All of you replied, “Good luck to the advance team!” Eren managed to add on as the officers dismissed you.

After that? It was such a blur…

All the citizens were evacuating without a delay, as per the strategy, but you were also rushing since, “You trainees passed the graduation drills! You’re first-class soldiers now! This is your first operation, but we expect you to contribute!” You were focused, so _focused_ than you have ever been in all your life. You were bustling around everywhere: getting your gear checked, making sure everything is safe, ready, your gas tanks were full, your blades sharp. At some point, you began to work alongside with Mikasa helping her with whatever it was she needed, but as you two were getting ready, you two women passed by Franz and Hannah comforting each other, “Don’t worry, Hannah… I swear, I’ll protect you,” you and Mikasa heard Franz whisper softly to Hannah.

“Franz…” Hannah sighed, a mix of emotions in her voice as they embraced. Seeing this, your hearts wrenched in worry. Mikasa immediately looked to Eren and you… tried to find Bertolt. Looking around you found him nowhere, nor did you find Annie or Reiner. Where have they been this whole time? Just as you were about to ask Mikasa if she has seen either one of them, you turned to see a very agitated Armin, shaking, logically trying to figure out the situation, but in doing so, he was quivering, dreading the events to come.

You hadn’t heard what he was stammering about earlier, but all you heard was more than enough to know what it was he was saying, “And the moment we realize we can’t fill in the hole, this town will be abandoned… after that, it’s only a matter of time before they get through Wall Rose… to being with… if the Titans felt like it… They could exterminate the human race at any time!” Hearing this, you were about to step forward to snap him out of it, but Eren beat you to it, “Armin!” He cried, placing a firm hand on his shoulder, “Calm down!” Armin seemed to tense and freeze, hopefully he realized what he just said before he seemingly relaxed, his quivering stopped and he was able to focus on what he was doing, “S-Sorry, I’m fine…” you sighed, running a hand through your hair to calm yourself down. Tapping Mikasa on the shoulder, she turned to see you, almost a bit startled seeing you before she gave a small smile, you returned the smile before you asked, “Have you seen Reiner, or Annie… possibly Bertolt?”

“No… I have not, sorry,” Mikasa simply stated, but upon seeing her friend’s saddened expression she quickly added, “But don’t worry about it, focus on the mission at hand so you can live to see them again.” You managed a meek smile before she nodded her head in response. Hearing the officer call out to them, you knew

it was time.


	4. Remember You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the late update... I am back to work and school, but I still make time to write because I love the Titan Trio and they deserve all the love in the world because who doesn't want to feel love? And because this is my first fanfic to be posted on here and I really don't want to abandon this and let down some of you guys! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this, I apologize in advance if it seems... rushed? Enjoy and feel free to leave a comment on your thoughts!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing of Shingeki no Kyojin, everything related belongs to Hajime Isayama!

When the superior officer had called everyone together, you stood straight, tall and proud beside a shaking, nervous but confident Mina and Thomas. On the outside, they may have looked fearless and ready, but on the inside, they were terrified, anxious… so many emotions were boggling their minds as they listened to the officer address everyone. “Oh, and as you’re aware,” he added just before leaving, “deserting in the face of the enemy is considered a capital offense. Be prepared to sacrifice your lives people.”

“Yes, sir!!” the cadets exclaimed in unison. Easing your salute, you looked down at Mina who surprisingly managed to keep her composure, and despite how uneasy she must feel, her expression was focused and determined. You then looked at Thomas who also managed to keep his determination, but they looked at you as though they wanted to say something. Hell, there was a lot you wanted to say to them in case something were to happen… but there was so little time. Placing a hand on each of their shoulders like how you always did right before an exam or another grueling exercise during cadet training, you looked into their eyes. No words were exchanged but enough was said in that simple gaze, your two friends smiled at you assuredly before you all embraced one another in a group hug.

“We’ll be okay,” you whispered into their ears as you all held each other in a tight, tender embrace, “We’ll make it, don’t worry guys…” Thomas nodded his head and Mina sighed shakily before you released each other.

“Hell (Y/N),” Thomas sheepishly rubbed the back of his head, “if anything you’re the one worried! We’ll do fine!”

“Y-Yea!” Mina smiled and cheerfully chimed in, “We promised that the three of us would live for the other didn’t we? We said that we would all build our own house right? Beyond the wall?”

Looking at the two of them nearly taken aback, your open-mouthed expression gradually turned into a loving smile, “Yea, we did, and we better make sure that we see it through, right?”

Both Thomas and Mina nodded their heads in confirmation, their expressions no longer that of dread but of resolve. With that emotional boost they began to walk off. You were about to leave with them but you heard someone groan quite loudly behind you. Turning around you saw Jean crouching on the floor with his face in his hands.

You sighed but before you could comfort your friend as he was muttering to himself, “Why did it have to be today…?! I’m supposed to go into the interior tomorrow!” Behind him was Daz throwing up onto the floor, you didn’t blame the poor guy though. Walking forward to Jean, he turned from the terrified Daz to stand up and face you, “(Y/N)…” he sighed. Again, no words were exchanged between the two friends, and before you could say anything, standing behind Jean, you saw Bertolt, and within those beautiful eyes of his, he stared right at you with fear, anxiety, and concern laden within his green eyes.

You stared at each other for a second before you forced your eyes away from Bertolt. You looked back at Jean and reached a hand up for a high five, Jean only managed a meek smirk before the two friends gave each other said high five before gripping each other’s hand tightly.

“See you after this is over, right?” Jean smirked. You only laughed in response, “Only if you don’t get confused for a horse, Jeanie,” he only scoffed, shaking his head.

“Yea, yea, keep those jokes up, I’ll show ya,” with a wave he ran off, leaving you with a very agitated and nervous Bertolt. You stood still for a second, staring into the turmoil that the eyes of Bertolt portrayed, but with a sigh, you approached him. Noticing you making your way to him, Bertolt looked down at you with eyes filled with sorrow, deep remorse, and uncertainty, and as you approached him, he shied away. Seeing this you too faltered but cautiously continued walking towards him. He opened his mouth to say something so many times but he kept closing it. Hell, what can he say to you… he turned his gaze sadly away from you as he could not find the right words to say, his hands clenched tightly at his sides, but he no longer avoided you.

He expected nothing from you, only to be surprised when he felt your warm, gentle hands carefully hold his own. Your fingers almost instinctively entwined together nearly uncertainly, tentatively as though this simple touch was forbidden… and forbidden it was for Bertolt, but he loved you, he couldn’t lie to himself. Forcing himself to look down at you, Bertolt saw how your soft hair hid your eyes from him, keeping your gaze from looking at him.

“(Y-)...” Bertolt started to call out to you but was cut off as you spoke in a very faint, quiet voice, “Please…” your voice quivered, “please- don’t-... don’t die…” Barely registering what you said, you walked away without saying any other word, your touch lingering, and your warmth quickly fading. Bertolt did nothing but watch your back as you walked away from him, your head down as you joined Armin, Eren, Mina and Thomas to fight for your lives.

Bertolt stood still for a second before he found himself taking a step after you, thinking to himself, “Wait, no… not like this… (Y/N)… wait for me, please…” only to be stopped by Reiner. Reiner’s hand clasped on Bertolt's shoulder as he turned his friend around to look at him in the eyes. Reiner’s expression remained stoic and emotionless, as expected but Bertolt didn’t bother to say anything in response, what’s done is done. Annie then appeared from behind Reiner and stood beside the two boys with a solemn expression before they too went out to join their fellow cadets.

 

Standing outside on a roof within Trost District waiting and anticipating for a Titan to show up was incredibly nerve-wracking. To the left of you stood Mina who did her best to mask her fear and to your right stood Thomas with a confident, yet worried expression upon his face. Turning to look behind you, you saw Nac and Mylius, who both gave you a nod of acknowledgment. You returned it before you walked up to place a calming hand on Armin’s right shoulder, he jolted just slightly at your touch and turned to see your comforting smile.

Armin looked like he was going to say something before Eren spoke, “Armin… This is a good opportunity, don’t you think? I mean, before applying for the Survey Corps…” At this you took your hand off of Armin’s shoulder and moved a bit so you could face Eren fully as he continued, “If we prove ourselves in the first battle, they’ll make us fresh recruits…” At this Armin finally looked to see Eren’s grin of confidence, “... And watch how fast we get promoted up the ladder!!”

You smiled and giggled a bit to yourself, “Yeah… no doubt,” Armin replied, and you added, “That would be nice…” Just before Mina stepped forward saying in a bit of a shaky but confident voice, “Sorry to burst your bubble… but a lot of people from our class are applying for the Survey Corps!!”

“You left me in the dust before, Eren, but this time I’m keeping up!!” Thomas asserted with confidence, “And to make it interesting, let’s see who can slay more Titans!!” You and Mina only looked at Thomas with determined expressions as Eren replied, “You’re on, Thomas! As long as you don’t fudge your numbers!!” And just after he said that, he shouted, “Squad 34, advance!! Let’s go!!”

“Yeah!” They all shouted, inspired. Flying off with your comrades, you felt proud. You were fighting alongside your friends.

Just as soon as that confidence and inspiration came, it quickly vanished… looming overhead were familiar silhouettes: Titans; and amongst those beasts were the Middle Guard and the Vanguard, completely decimated.

“Wha…?!” Eren exclaimed, “That’s…?!”

“They’re even roping the Middle Guard into the Vanguard?!” Eren exclaimed, looking over at you incredulously, Mina only muttered to herself, “All those Titans already…”

“What’s going on?! Usually our peers in the Vanguard hog all the action…” Nac grumbled. Thomas then remarked, “Even though not much time has passed… Has the Advance Guard collapsed?” Everyone could only stare in shock at the scene that they were all quickly approaching. You knew it would be bad… but to see it like this was ridiculous.

Suddenly from overhead something appeared.

“It’s an Abnormal!” You shouted as loud as you could, “Dodge!!” And in an instant they all dispersed to the nearest roof. Without a second thought, you began a quick headcount of your squad.

You noticed someone was missing… turning your gaze from your comrades to the Abnormal, your heart dropped.

Within the mouth of the Abnormal was Thomas.

“Uhn…?! Uh…!!” Thomas grunted as he tried to move out of the Titan’s mouth but with each movement, it’s jaw tightened. The fear in his eyes was indescribable… it wrenched your heart. When his head turned ever so slowly to look at you, your eyes met and the tears you saw in his eyes twisted your very core. “T-Thomas…?” you whimpered, you wanted to rush to him, you wanted to save him but your legs wouldn’t move, you wanted to move, you screamed in your mind to move! But you couldn’t. You didn't know why you couldn't move, this was your friend, your best friend, and you were going to just sit there and watch?

“S-Shit!” Thomas cried out as the Titan moved it’s head up as though it was going to swallow.

_No…_

Finally, as though snapping back into focus, “No!” You cried reaching a hand out, nearly falling off the roof as your body surged forward, “T-Thomas!!” You and Eren yelled out to him before he was swallowed whole. You stood still with your arm stretched out towards the Abnormal in shock, even as it ignored you all and began walking away. With your body shaking, slowly you lowered your arm before tentatively looking back at Mina whose blue eyes had lost its shine.

“Wa…!! Wait!!” Eren shouted taking everyone by surprise, launching his hooks off to chase after the Abnormal. Recklessly, Eren followed after it, not paying attention to his surroundings as he always does whenever he becomes enraged.

“No! Don’t go off on your own!” Nac screamed after him.

Watching your friend fly off like that, your mind ran countless thoughts, _what is he doing, he can get killed… if he dies I…_ that is until you saw something shift ever so slightly just underneath him. Finally, not bearing the thought of losing another friend, “Eren, look out!!” you cried after him, “There’s another one below!!”

But, he didn’t have any time to react before the Titan jumped from below and bit off his leg, causing him to crash onto a roof and there he laid motionless with his blood dripping down the edge.

“No… Eren…” Mina muttered to herself as she looked on helplessly, Armin dropped to his knees in despair.

“His leg…” Nac whispered before Mylius tried getting everyone to focus, “H-Hey… This is no time to catch your breath!! Too dangerous!!”

Forcing yourself to look away, you tried to get everyone back up so as to avoid any other casualties… but from the corner of your eye you saw movement. Snapping your head in the direction, you froze, “One’s coming!!” you shouted to them all, springing them back into action… except Armin, “Kill it!!” Mina cried, but for as heroic as her actions were, that Titan had grabbed Nac and Mylius, and just as Mina had tried to swoop down to kill it, another seemingly out of nowhere dragged her down by pulling her wire, slamming her into a building leaving her dazed on the floor.

You on the other hand somehow managed to dodge the Titans' assaults, however, much to your dismay and sorrow, Nac and Mylius were already being eaten, leaving Mina the only possible one you could save.

“Mina!” You cried out to your friend noticing the three meter Titan that pulled her wire was approaching her. Gritting your teeth in rage, you shot your hooks out and maneuvered over to the Titan that was going to eat your friend, to rain down upon the Titan that was about to take the only family you had left. However, before you could do so, from the corner of your eye, another Titan’s smiling face had suddenly appeared in-between two buildings successfully hidden from your view, and just before it could reach you, your body instinctively reacted as you maneuvered your hips to dodge the sudden assault. However, because you didn’t put yourself at risk to save Mina, you quickly turned your head to try to find her, only to see half her head bitten off and blood flowing down the Titan’s mouth. A shrill cry of agony escaped your lips at the sight. Your best friends… your squad... all dead because of their carelessness, could it be your fault? Your grip on your handles tightened as you gave the final blow to the Titan that ate your friend.

Landing on another rooftop, your eyes welled up in tears at the bloody sight. How could you have failed them? You should’ve been faster, you should’ve seen it coming, you should’ve… “Shit,” you cursed under your breath sniffling, noticing your blades had been dulled. Nearly forgetting about that Titan, you quickly turned your head to see it standing in the same position as it was before… why wasn’t it following you? Backing slowly away from it, you turned your attention back to Armin hoping that at least he was okay. But that hope had been crushed as you saw him hanging from a Titan’s grip. You screamed in anguish, the tears now poured over your eyes, streaming down your face, not wasting anymore time, you made your way back to him, “Armin!” you screamed his name, “ _Armin!_ ” Focused on saving your friend, you moved as fast as you could to kill the Titan about to eat your friend but suddenly,

there was a tug at your belt and down you fell.

There was a crash, and then… nothing. Your eyes managed to flutter open after some time, but not for much longer… all you felt was pain throughout your entire body. You couldn’t move… what happened? Your mind was hazy, your eyelids were getting heavy… and the next thing you knew… blackness crept into your vision and there you laid unconscious.

 

“Armin!! Wake up!!” Connie shouted to him as he sat motionless on the roof before he was shocked back into reality, “Connie…” he responded.

“Are you hurt?” his friend asked before he stood up straight, looking around he noticed something, “Hey! Where’s your squad?!”

“Squad…?” Armin only muttered to himself trying to figure out what was going on, “Come on, get a hold of yourself! Why are you alone?! And you’ve got slime all over you… What the hell happened?!”

As Connie continued questioning him, all the memories came back in a wave, “... Ah…” was all Armin managed to say before he let out a sudden horrible cry of despair. With Connie, Ymir, and Christa, Armin was able to regroup with everyone but… how could he face Mikasa? … How could he face Bertolt? What should he tell them? Sitting slumped against the side of a house on top of a roof with everyone else, Sasha meekly tried to get Armin to stand but it didn’t work.

Reiner, Annie, and Bertolt stood beside each other surveying the situation, “Reiner… what should we do?” Annie asked him casually, however, Bertolt was able to tell that she was worried, perhaps about you? Bertolt is never able to tell with Annie despite how long he’s known her, but he would be lying to himself if he wasn’t worried about you as well. He sees that everyone else made it… but where are you? Shaking his head, he tried to focus on the mission at hand, still, that nagging thought persisted in the back of his mind.

“We wait… at least until they gather ‘round,” Reiner responded stroking his chin in thought. Bertolt didn’t respond, he only looked down at his friends trying to hide his apprehension.

“There’s no way, no matter how you look at it…” Marco suddenly spoke, taking Bertolt off guard, he wondered for a minute if he knew what he was thinking about, “We can’t get out of town and we’ll be exterminated,” Marco continued in shock, “it’s not like we’re not prepared to die… but… what the hell are we dying for?”

“Mikasa!” someone suddenly called out, “I thought you were with the rearguard?!”

Ignoring them, Mikasa quickly approached Annie. Calling out to the Russian woman she managed to speak between heavy breathes, “Annie! I think I have a grasp of the situation… and I apologize for bringing my personal feelings into this… but have you seen Eren’s squad?”

“No,” Annie replied, “but some squads made it over the wall… and…” she paused for a moment looking out to the rest of the buildings, “I would like to know as well… I cannot find (Y/N)…”

“Now that you mention it, Armin over there was from the same squad,” Reiner added gesturing with his thumb over to where Armin was sitting, “But I’m sure they’ll be here any time soon,” Reiner added noticing his two friends worried expressions.

“Mikasa…” Armin thought to himself, “I can’t… how can I look at her…? What could I say… to Mikasa…? All I’ve done… is pointlessly survive… it would have been better… if we’d died together then.” His wide blue eyes refused to look up at Mikasa as she approached him and suddenly through his mind, he also thought about Bertolt, what was he going to tell him? Mikasa stood before him and crouched down, “Armin…” she called to him soothingly, “Are you hurt? Are you all right?” Armin tensed before he managed a curt nod, Mikasa sighed in relief before she looked around asking, “Where’s Eren?”

Before he could respond, both Mikasa and Bertolt somehow just… knew. Armin looked up to face Mikasa with tears streaming down his face, Mikasa tensed, her eyes went wide with realization as she looked down at her friend in shock.

Bertolt and Annie waited as well for Armin’s reply, but somehow they already knew the answer to that question, no matter how much they didn’t want to admit it. There’s just no way that you or Eren died, you were both strong.

“In Training Corps… Squad 34… Thomas Wagner, Nac Tias, Mylius Zeramuski, Mina Carolina…” Here he paused, gritting his teeth as he tried to fight the tears, “(Y/N) (L/N)… Eren Yeager… Those five carried out their mission… and died bravely in battle…”

There was a wave of horror that flushed over everyone.

“Oh, no…” Sasha whispered under her breath in dismay.

Bertolt froze. Did he hear him correctly?

_You?_ Dead? No, you couldn't have, “Tell me it’s not true… not her…” he thought turning his gaze to meet Armin’s sorrowful expression.

“I’m sorry Mikasa… Eren… gave his life to save me… I couldn’t do anything… I’m sorry,” Armin cried.

Slowly, the tall German sank to his knees, his blades dropping on the roof in a loud clang. Annie shifted her horrified gaze from Armin to Bertolt, her fists clenched at her sides, her teeth grit in denial, how could you have died? She knew you were strong, you promised her that you would come back! Guilt now struck her heart as she fought the tears in her eyes.

Bertolt was stunned for a bit, until gradually, his body wracked with grief, he curled into himself as he fought the tears that were threatening to pour over. This… This was all his fault… he should’ve said something, he shouldn’t have let their last moments end like that. He shouldn’t have followed through with this horribly thought out plan in the first place! Proof that these devils weren’t what they thought they were had died and it was all his fault! A gentle hand placed itself on his shoulder, and when Bertolt looked to see who it was, his green eyes met that of the sorrowful icy blue eyes of Annie. Tears brimmed her eyes as they stared at each other before Bertolt forced himself to look away.

Reiner swallowed a lump he felt forming in his throat upon hearing your name among those dead soldiers. He tried to remain stoic and emotionless but how could he? Who was he kidding? He cared about you more than anything, and he just left you to die? Looking down at Bertolt weeping, Reiner felt that pang of guilt. Closing his eyes shut, Reiner only looked on towards the town wondering where his friend and fellow comrade's corpse lay.

“And if I don’t fight… I can’t win,” Mikasa ended her speech with that before going off by herself, stunning everyone. “Hey!! Were we taught to let one of our own fight alone?! All of you really will make cowards of yourselves!!” Jean shouted in that oddly inspiring tone of voice he has.

The rest of the cadets felt invigorated and managed to find courage, and with a yell of newfound bravery, they all went back out there to fight. “Well who’d have thought…?” Reiner thought aloud to himself finding a new resolve, he lifted Bertolt back to his feet, “Rise up and fight like a warrior, don't let her die in vain,” Bertolt only stared into his friend's eyes helplessly, now he had no choice but to follow what he said. He had killed the only proof that he was human and at this point, he’s accepted who he was… he, Reiner, and Annie.

They had no choice.

And with that, the cadets of the 104th Training Corps set out for battle against impossible odds… many cadets lost their lives for the sake of humanity, but their mission was a success and their sacrifice was not in vain as the green smoke signal was shot into the air. It was a win for humanity… but with that win came a large sacrifice. Two days later… and they’re still discovering bodies all over Trost District.

“Hey… Is that… Marco?” Jean muttered under his breath, looking down at the half-eaten body in disbelief, his eyes wide in horror, “Trainee, do you know his name?” a woman’s voice interjected his thoughts but he was too stunned to respond, “... I wasn’t gonna look… but… I can’t believe that happened… to him… Marco… what happened? S-Somebody…” here he turned away from Marco’s body, looking aimlessly for an answer, “anybody… see what happened here?”

“What’s his name? If you know it, answer me right now,” that woman… Jean turned around to look at her with contempt but the dead look in her wide eyes stopped him, “Trainee… do you understand? Two days have passed since the wall was plugged up with the rock. But we’re still collecting bodies. At this rate, there’s a risk of contagious disease. We have to prevent a secondary disaster. Right now, there’s no time to mourn your fallen comrades. Got it?” From how deadpanned and monotone her voice was, Jean didn’t argue any further.

“104th Training Corps… Leader of 19th Squad… Marco Bott…” Jean only stared blankly at his friend’s lifeless body, the woman wrote on a paper before saying, “Marco… It’s good you now his name. Let’s continue working.”

As Jean continued working, he noticed a roof crashed into itself, as though something crashed into it... but how would that have been possible? Something, he didn’t know what, but _something_ told him to investigate. He tried convincing himself that he’d find nothing, but after moving a rather large piece of stone debris… underneath that stone was you.

Taken aback, Jean staggered away, falling on his bottom in the process, “Oh God… no, not… not you too…” He cried softly under his breath, “Shit… why you…?” Standing back on his feet, he proceeded to remove the wooden beams that had miraculously saved you from being crushed, rather instead it looks as though it broke your ankles, many broken pieces of the roof shingles pierced your body, mostly your sides, but they didn't look as though it pierced you deeply. Looking at your face, Jean noticed blood had trickled down over your left eye, and overall your body looked mangled, as though you were merely tossed around like a ragdoll. “What happened to you…?” Jean questioned aloud to himself moving his hand to brush the hair out from your face.

“J-Jean…” it was faint, a very subtle whisper, but it was enough to startle him back into focus. Looking down at what he assumed was a dead woman, he saw (E/C) eyes, though barely open, were indeed actually open and looking at him. He wouldn’t have believed what he heard if he hadn’t heard it a second time. Your dried, blood-crusted lips barely moved as you managed to whisper his name again, “J-Jean…?”

“Ah…” Jean only managed to say before he yelled at the top of his lungs, “She-... She’s alive! (Y/N)-... she-... She’s alive!” Ecstatic, he reached to take out the pieces of broken shingles that pierced your skin, but they began bleeding upon removal, not wanting you to bleed out, he decided against removing the broken pieces. Suddenly, you were surrounded by friends: Connie, Sasha, Jean, Reiner, Annie… and Bertolt. Reiner was the one who pushed through everyone, took you out from underneath that rubble since Bertolt was hesitant to see you, but upon looking at you barely hanging on in the arms of his best friend, it brought tears to his eyes. He tried keeping up with Reiner, albeit surprised how briskly Reiner was walking, with Bertolt's long legs, he couldn't keep up. Annie stood in shock at what appeared like a mangled corpse of her best friend's body, but seeing you meekly raise you hand to place atop Reiner's bicep, Annie jogged alongside Reiner. Connie and Sasha were calling out your name panicking, waiting for a response. Sasha was desperately trying to reach a hand out to you since she couldn’t keep up with Reiner’s walking, however, despite how weak you were, you managed to reach out and shakily hold your friend’s hand.

“She’s- she’s alive! She touched me!” Sasha squealed in joy, happily embracing Connie. Despite all the pain they all endured, there was at least one small sliver of good news and they gladly took it.

“Get her to the hospital!” one nurse exclaimed hurriedly.

“We’ll take her from here,” another sternly told them, as he took you from Reiner’s arms, placing you in the carriage, “trainees continue with your work.”

“But… We-...” Connie started but was quickly cut off as they took you away on the back of a horse-drawn carriage. They could only stand still as they watched you get further and further away from them, unknown to them if you were really alive or not.

Jean, Connie and Sasha were relieved, at least one of their friends whom they thought was dead was alive; Reiner, although he did not show it, was relieved, extremely relieved, in his arms you were cold, had it not been for your left hand that gripped onto his arm, he would’ve assumed you were dead; Annie thought it was too good to be true, she had accepted her sins and her fate, she felt as though she didn’t deserve a best friend like you, and then to hear that you're alive? She didn't want to celebrate just yet, she knew that someone could come back from the dead but only for a second and then die… she didn’t want her hopes to be brought down, but if there was a slight chance that you could be alive… Annie would take it. Bertolt? He didn’t know what to think… how could a monster like him… deserve to have a second chance? He didn’t know, nor did he care; he, like Annie, would jump at the chance to have you back, and he would do anything and everything he can to keep you alive, to love you like how he promised and how he is supposed to.

 

_You remember that day clearly._

_A large hand atop the wall, and from the other side of the wall, a large horrendous face appeared, striking fear in your heart. “What is that?” you thought to yourself as you trembled before it's massive size, the wall was tall enough, to see_ that thing _stand taller than the wall was unfathomable._

_Suddenly, there was a great loud crash, a deep rumble, and a gusting wind. Something told you to run home, run home!_

_“(Y/N)! Get back here!” your older (brother/sister) yelled to you as you ran off, “Wait for me!” (he/she) called out to you as (he/she) ran after you holding your younger (brother/sister)'s hand._

_There were stones flying through the air and there was a loud commotion… what happened? Dad? Mom?_

_“Kids! Run!”_

_“Wait! Mommy! Daddy!”_

_Before you knew it, your dad threw you back, knocking your two siblings down and out of the way of a large piece of stone that crushed your parents before your eyes. Your younger (brother/sister) screamed in shock and agony, your older (brother/sister) forced your younger (brother/sister)’s face to hide, “Look at me, look at me…” your older sibling cried, “It’ll be okay, I’ll look after us… (Y/N)!” Looking back to you, your older sibling looked at what had you so transfixed, only to look on in horror at the smirking face of a Titan. People began running in fear, you stood still as you witnessed that Titan easily scoop a woman up within its grasp. The woman cried, reached hands out to you for help, only to have her head bitten off so suddenly. After witnessing that, you tensed before you turned and raced to your siblings, grabbing each of their hands, trying to run to safety… but you were too slow._

_“Go! Run! Take care of our (brother/sister)…”_

_“No! What about you?! Don’t-”_

_But it was too late, your older sibling stopped running and turned to face the Titan chasing them, “No!” you wanted to run back but the crowd of people rushing was too much, you turned around, tried looking for your younger sibling, and found (him/her) standing still crying. Racing back to (him/her), you gripped onto (his/her) hand, and with one final look to your older sibling, you saw (his/her) half-eaten body dangling lifelessly from the Titan’s mouth. Horrified, you forced your younger sibling to look away and keep running. But again, you're too slow. Your younger sibling trips, your hands separate and (he/she) is lost in the crowd of people._

_Calling out your younger sibling's name fell on deaf ears as you tried to run in the opposite direction in which the crowd was running, once you finally made it there, you saw the unconscious body of your younger sibling within the hands of the same Titan that ate your older sibling. It had short, choppy black hair with large, wide, black eyes that took up most of its face, and a smirk that knew damn well what it was doing._

_Rage._

_You felt rage. Unfathomable rage boiled within you, “Hey!” you called out to it, “Let my (brother/sister) go!” you screamed after it as you charged at it, only to be scooped up like a potato sack by a Garrison soldier._

_“Hey! Let me go!” You kicked and screamed, before realization hit you, you stopped and looked back at your sibling in despair, “No… no…” the Titan was bringing (her/his) unconscious body to its mouth, “don’t…_ Don’t! _” you screamed reaching a hand out to it, screaming your siblings' names, tears flowing down your face, a shrill cry of sorrow and agony escaped your lips as the bloody sight of what was left of your beloved siblings got further and further._

_Your parents… Your siblings… all dead because of that monster._

_“I'll kill you… I'll_ kill _you…” you vowed to yourself as you stared on at the large Titan that suddenly disappeared. When the Garrison soldier brought you to safety, you only sat against a wall on the boat curled in a tight ball, your face hiding in your knees, that boiling rage quickly dissipated and was soon replaced with a pain so unbearable, it felt like your heart was ripping into two. Like your entire being was flaking away. This anguish you felt…_

woke you up.

Your eyes fluttered open and there you were lying in a soft bed, a large candle on the end table to your left cast dancing shadows along the wall within the room as the flame flickered. Feeling slight movement along your abdomen startled you, slowly you turned your head to see a sleeping form whose hand held onto your right hand, and the other arm was draped over your torso… It took you a moment to register that this sleeping form was, surprisingly… Bertolt. Honestly, you didn’t know who to expect but, you were elated nonetheless. A small, sleepy smile crept onto your lips, as though that memory you just re-lived was nothing more than just a bad dream… but sadly, it wasn’t simply a bad dream… it was real. Tears pricked your eyes as you reached out to stroke his soft, black hair.

He looked so peaceful compared to the last time you saw him. When he’s asleep like this, he doesn’t have a constant look of guilt, he seems relaxed and placid. As you admired his face in an attempt to push that hurtful memory behind you, your fingers absentmindedly ran through his soft hair soothingly, but upon doing so, Bertolt mumbled something in his sleep, you didn’t quite catch what he said but you noticed he leaned in ever so slightly to your touch before his eyes lazily opened.

When Bertolt opened his eyes, he was honestly expecting the same scene he always sees whenever a nurse tries to ask him to leave for the night to get a “proper night’s rest”: you would still be in your coma, laying there unmoving, the slight rise and fall of your chest however was enough to relieve his mind. He tried to find solace in the fact that you were alive, but that nagging fear in the back of his mind constantly worried him: what if you don't wake up? However, what he was not expecting was to see your listless smile, and for your eyes, your beautiful (E/C) eyes holding a candle’s flame dancing within them, to be looking back into his own. He sat up slowly and away from you for a second trying to comprehend what he was seeing.

Unsuredly, he reached a hand out to caress your cheek, “(Y-Y/N)…?” your smile grew brighter as you gave a soft giggle, placing your right hand atop his.

Leaning into his touch, “Hi…” you sighed.

When his eyes had opened, you noticed they weren’t shining like how they used to, it wasn’t until you simply said hi that the light had shone brightly within his emerald eyes. It was a small smile at first before gradually his face exploded into an expression of absolute joy.

“You-... You’re alive!” Bertolt exclaimed in an excited whisper, he wanted to pull you in for a tight hug and never let you go, but you had just woken up, he didn’t want to hurt you. Carefully he sat on your bed before he reached both his arms around you and pulled you into a gentle, loving embrace, “Oh God… I-... I’m so sorry… I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’m sorry… (Y/N), I shouldn’t have ignored you like that. But… right now I’m just so incredibly happy, I’m so happy. You have no idea how happy I am to see you!”

He continued rambling out apology after apology, about how happy he was to see you alive, but you were relieved that he was there with you. You nestled your head in the crook of his neck, relaxing your body in his embrace, listlessly running your hands up and down his back as he continued rambling. Bertolt noticed your weren't responding, but he noticed your hands gingerly rubbing his back as though you were trying to soothe him. He pulled you away from his chest when he finished, and he was going to say something, but he was at a loss for words when he saw your face. You said nothing in response, except upon your lips held a small, graceful smile. Returning the smile, Bertolt cupped your face with his hands, stroking your cheeks with his thumbs.

He really thought you were the most beautiful woman he ever laid his eyes on. You were so beautiful to him… of course physically you were gorgeous, your curves tempted every man and he would be lying to himself if he hadn’t fantasized about what he would do to you… and of course every time he thought about it, he remembered that night before graduation. But you were more than that, you were a charming, strong, determined woman who loved unconditionally, faithfully, and selflessly; not just him, but your friends. You were dedicated, loyal, and passionate, Bertolt could go on.

“Bertolt?” You called out to him in a whisper, he must've been staring at you with this dumb lovestruck look on his face, but you didn't seem to mind. Your eyes held an amusing glint in them as you laughed softly to yourself… to think that he didn't love you anymore… what were you thinking…? Even as Bertolt leaned in ever so slightly, how could you ever doubt that this man before you, would hurt you in such a way? Your lips met in a soft, chaste kiss, it wasn't as fervent as the last time you were alone, but… Bertolt didn't mind. He wanted to be gentle with you since… he didn't know what would happen to you… what could’ve happened to you… Pulling away, he pressed his forehead against yours, you smiled closing your eyes, giggling some more, and Bertolt sighed contently.

“I love you,” he whispered unthinkingly, catching you off guard. You froze, before you gingerly placed your hands on his broad shoulders. Looking at him now, his intense green eyes were looking at you so tenderly, almost sad… Noticing you not respond he continued, “I do… I… I thought I lost you… it… if I lost you… it would've been my fault… I wasn't there to-”

A finger upon his lips stopped him from speaking, “It’s okay… That day… We… We lost so many people…” the memories flooded back into your mind suddenly, everything all at once decided to come back. A look of horror slowly contorted your face as you dropped your hand onto your lap as the events replayed in your mind.

Nack, Mylius, Thomas, Mina… Eren… was Armin even alive?

Slowly, you he reached out to grip tightly onto his shoulders, fighting the tears that were forming in your eyes, “If only I was fast enough… I could’ve saved them all… why did I make it?!” you questioned out loud, staring Bertolt in the eyes, your body shaking as you began to sob in remembrance of your fallen comrades, “My friends, Bertolt… _my friends_ … They’re dead because of _my_ faults! I… I should’ve died with them… I-I should’ve _died!_ W-Why didn’t I-?!”

A hand clamped over your mouth, stopping you abruptly, taking you by surprise, causing your tears to stop. Bertolt said nothing as his head was down, avoiding your gaze… of course… _of course._ What? Did he think that you would easily forget that day ever happened? How else did he expect you to feel? And to think that it was his fault for making you feel that way… He felt like that every day… how long can he keep this up? Is he really willing to sacrifice everything for you? Does he really want to keep this facade up for… however long this plan is going on for?

Silence passed for a few minutes, neither one of them moving nor saying a word, until you cautiously removed his hand. Bertolt lifted his head slightly but one look at your face and he flicked his gaze to the wall, you sighed and instead of letting go of his hand, you placed it upon your beating heart. You looked at him tenderly, a hint of sadness in your eyes. Yes, you may have lost your squad, but knowing that Bertolt was alive calmed you, it gave you hope. Your love for him burned in your heart, you had hoped that this gesture would’ve conveyed what you felt, but upon seeing him flinch, you withdrew your hand, and turned your gaze from him, “I-I’m sorry… I…”

“No. Don’t-...” he started, his brow furrowed and you noticed he grit his teeth, “Don’t apologize…” he still didn’t look at you, but his hand upon your heart, at first didn’t feel your heartbeat, as though he just placed it where you wanted it to be. But as he tried to find his words, he pressed his hand against your heart, feeling your heartbeat underneath his fingertips and palm. Feeling it beat gave him relief that you were alive, that maybe you can survive the events that are to come, but at the same time… he looked back at you now, and with the hand that was on your heart, he turned your face to look at him. His large hand cupped your face, his thumb wiped the tear that fell from your eye before he brought you close for an embrace. At the same time, it made him question what was to come, it made him question how you can handle the truth… _if_  you can handle the truth…

“You have nothing to apologize for… For as long as I live, I will protect you,” Bertolt whispered in your ear, “I will protect us… I don’t intend on losing you. You’re alive for me and I’m alive for you… I cannot lose you, (Y/N), you mean too much to me,” noticing you didn’t respond, he pulled you off of him but noticed how limp you were, he thought the worst for a second, but, with your heartbeat against his, he realized you fell asleep in his arms, his warmth embraced you, lulling you back to sleep,

“I-... I’m so sorry,” a single tear rolled down his cheek, “I’m sorry…” holding you so tightly, afraid you might disappear, silently he sobbed, rocking back and forth gently before he too fell asleep with you in his arms.


	5. update

Hi guys!

Wow... it has been how long since I last updated...?

I am so sorry about that, I have work and school to balance out with my hobbies... but! Since school has just ended, finals are over and done with, I am happy to say that now I can work on updating the story (if you guys are enjoying it that is...) updates shall resume... whenever I have time... but rest assured I am not abandoning this story!

Please be just a tad more patient with me ;-; I'm currently writing the next chapter.

Updates should be more frequent (hopefully) now that school is over for the summer, I'll try my best to continue updating as soon as I can!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, side note, I totally cried in the recent episode of SnK...

**Author's Note:**

> After playing Attack on Titan 2 on the PS4 (of which I will probably mention some scenes from the game, not as frequently but ya know) and started to reread the manga, I have fallen back into the fandom and I decided to make a little (okay not little) something for Bertolt. Yes there will be more chapters, that is if you guys actually want more...? I haven't really seen very many stories for Bertolt (or is it spelled Bertholdt?) so I decided I should probably give it a try.


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